I am Angry
I remember back in Middle School, when I was just 12, going on 13. One of our classmates, Deven Petska, was killed in a car accident. I didn't know him very well, but the thought of death at that young age was just so unfair and I couldn't figure out how his family and friends were going to move forward through this when I, not even a friend of his, couldn't hold my own composure. I went to the nurses office and broke down. She said 'honey, I want to tell you something'. She said 'Death is for the living'. She asked me if I understood. I told her I did. I get it that we are born, we live and we die. But that still didn't explain to me how to make it easier to deal with it. Just saying, well, we all die sometime and somehow.......OK....true, but does it make it easier? No. People told me when my Dad died that 'it must have been easier because you knew he was dying'. No, that didn't make it any easier, just holding our breath for the inevitable. Either way, he is still gone. It isn't the dying that hurts the most, it is the 'being gone' that is the worst. It is when you start trying to go on with your life and finally after a few weeks, a month, a year, you realize, that person you love is NOT coming back.
Maybe the reward is knowing that each person's life was full of joy and meaning. That is my friend Vickie. She lived life strong. She had many accomplishments. She was an example to most and could have taught so many a lesson in moral values. It doesn't mean that this is easier to handle. People say 'you will get over it'-never, never do you get 'over' a loss like this. We get 'through' it and it may get easier over time but there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. I really don't know where I am going with this, just ramblings, I guess but I thought it would be good to get some of my feelings out of my head and onto 'paper'.
I am angry, mostly because I am selfish and want her back. I want her back because there were things I wanted to ask her and didn't get a chance to. I want her back because I need advice and don't know who else to ask. I want her back because I so looked forward to our once a month art meetings, I want her back because she was one of the only people that truly knew me and could honestly relate to my life. I have friends, no doubt, but they aren't all suffering some of the same things. Her health was much more fragile than mine. I am angry that her doctors didn't do everything they could have done for her long before this happened.
I am angry at myself for not being there for her as much as she was for me. I am angry because I don't feel good and she knew that. I am angry because people tell me, 'you look too good to be sick' and she would understand because she knew that no matter how 'good' you looked had nothing to do with how you feel. Anyone can put on make up, do their hair and smile pretty and 'look good'. She truly understood how much work it was to get out of bed and do all these things and yet still muster up the energy to leave the house.
She knew that just because I was out one day and looked good, that I may have spent the other six days of the week resting because it took me that much to even be able to work up to do everything that it takes to go out for the day. She knew that it may take a day or two or 7 to rest from the excitement of being out for one day. She knew me. She understood me. She loved me despite the fact that I would 'break down' about once a month-on schedule-and hate everyone and feel like everyone hated me and life was so unfair and my teen didn't listen, my son was having problems at school, my husband was, well, being a 'man', etc...... but she always had a way of making me feel better. She knew. She knew that it would all be OK somehow and someday and it usually did get better for a few days, then we would do it all again.
She was a never ending source of support for me. She knew me. She was my idol. I looked up to her. I am angry. I am mad that my friend was taken away. I know she is out of pain and out of her wheelchair and off oxygen and all the loads of medication, etc.......I know all these things. I have had many a dream about her walking and running and enjoying life out of a wheelchair. I always shared these dreams with her and she would smile and say 'I hope that means something'. I knew she would be out of that chair someday but I really wish it had been while she was alive. I am angry because she didn't have that chance. I am angry because I want her back.......
Maybe the reward is knowing that each person's life was full of joy and meaning. That is my friend Vickie. She lived life strong. She had many accomplishments. She was an example to most and could have taught so many a lesson in moral values. It doesn't mean that this is easier to handle. People say 'you will get over it'-never, never do you get 'over' a loss like this. We get 'through' it and it may get easier over time but there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. I really don't know where I am going with this, just ramblings, I guess but I thought it would be good to get some of my feelings out of my head and onto 'paper'.
I am angry, mostly because I am selfish and want her back. I want her back because there were things I wanted to ask her and didn't get a chance to. I want her back because I need advice and don't know who else to ask. I want her back because I so looked forward to our once a month art meetings, I want her back because she was one of the only people that truly knew me and could honestly relate to my life. I have friends, no doubt, but they aren't all suffering some of the same things. Her health was much more fragile than mine. I am angry that her doctors didn't do everything they could have done for her long before this happened.
I am angry at myself for not being there for her as much as she was for me. I am angry because I don't feel good and she knew that. I am angry because people tell me, 'you look too good to be sick' and she would understand because she knew that no matter how 'good' you looked had nothing to do with how you feel. Anyone can put on make up, do their hair and smile pretty and 'look good'. She truly understood how much work it was to get out of bed and do all these things and yet still muster up the energy to leave the house.
She knew that just because I was out one day and looked good, that I may have spent the other six days of the week resting because it took me that much to even be able to work up to do everything that it takes to go out for the day. She knew that it may take a day or two or 7 to rest from the excitement of being out for one day. She knew me. She understood me. She loved me despite the fact that I would 'break down' about once a month-on schedule-and hate everyone and feel like everyone hated me and life was so unfair and my teen didn't listen, my son was having problems at school, my husband was, well, being a 'man', etc...... but she always had a way of making me feel better. She knew. She knew that it would all be OK somehow and someday and it usually did get better for a few days, then we would do it all again.
She was a never ending source of support for me. She knew me. She was my idol. I looked up to her. I am angry. I am mad that my friend was taken away. I know she is out of pain and out of her wheelchair and off oxygen and all the loads of medication, etc.......I know all these things. I have had many a dream about her walking and running and enjoying life out of a wheelchair. I always shared these dreams with her and she would smile and say 'I hope that means something'. I knew she would be out of that chair someday but I really wish it had been while she was alive. I am angry because she didn't have that chance. I am angry because I want her back.......
posted by Zanna at 12:08 AM
2 Comments:
zanna, i relate to just about everything you said here. I am sorry that you lost such a special person, like I did... we are both so very fortunate though to have had her in our lives. I am trying as hard as I can muster to focus on the part about being fortunate.
love,
melanie
Zanna, I can not imagine losing someone that meant as much to me as she did to you. My heart just aches reading your post & your feelings are so understandable. Nope, life isn't fair, it's hard and it stinks sometimes, but then we get little bits of sunshine in the midst of it in the form of a friend and it makes all the crap easier to deal with. The hole in your heart will probably never completely mend, but in time it wont seem so big.
God bless.
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