Aunt Zanna Banana Designs and other things....

crazy, crazy, crazy......

2008-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my son was at Grandma's and she called to say that he had a fever and a rash all over his trunk and thighs along with a fever. He was going to spend the night but he had to come home so I could take him to the doctor today. Yesterday was CRAZY! We were gone from morning to night.

One of the best things to happen yesterday was to hear from my friend, Michelle-waving to Michelle-who I haven't spoken to in several years. It was so wonderful to hear her voice again. Sad, sad though when she told me that her Mom had passed away 3 years ago. Her Mom was such a beautiful person and so nice. She always treated me like family.

Today was going to be a day of rest but we all know that with kids, you can't plan 'rest'! LOL. I hope Brody's rash isn't anything serious. School starts on Monday and he missed a few days before vacation for his teeth and oral surgery.

Kylie is job hunting today and getting registered for school. The registration offices were down and it seems to still be having problems with their computers so it doesn't look like she will be able to register again until tomorrow. She is frustrated because she wanted to take a winter break class and it is supposed to start on Monday. I am keeping my fingers crossed.......

Gotta get some chores done before we go to the doctor.....fun, fun, fun........ ;P

Aunt Zanna Banana

My gorgeous family!

2007-12-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

It's bee quite awhile since I posted. I get so busy, that I forget and I haven't been online much. We took this photo for our Christmas cards. I think it turned out very well. It was the first time I have used the timer on my camera! Not too shabby!

SoCal fires/ Oct. 27, 2007

2007-10-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

Wow, these fires are horrible. I can't wrap my head around any reason for someone to intentionally start these. There is a very special place in hell for those persons. Over 1600 homes have been lost, thousands upon thousands have been displaced not knowing whether or not they will have a home to go home to. It is very sad.

We had a false alarm on Thursday. Someone in a community north of us passed out fliers to the homes in their community that said a volunteer evacuation was in place. People living there started calling all their friends who called their friends, etc. People in all the communities around there were starting to pack up belongings. Finally I called the hotline because I couldn't find any information regarding our area. We had a LOT of smoke in the area but, still couldn't see signs of an actual fire. The woman on the hotline said that someone started this rumor and that the fire is still 7 miles away from our county line. She said that it was 2 days out if it wasn't under control, which it is beginning to be. So, we took a deep breath and relaxed. I did however burn my dinner in the process. But, I am thankful that we had dinner and a home to eat it in.

Look like rain today. We have just had a few sprinkles but I am hoping for a downpour.

Zanna

October 15th

2007-10-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Stacy and I took Brody to the pumpkin patch/mini carnival and he did the bounce house mazes and slides. He had a great time and it was good exercise for him. He has put on some weight as well, and I want us both to be healthy. Side note-do not wear sandals to a pumpkin patch....not a good combo! I took lots of pictures of Brody with my new a fabulous digital camera. I need to post some.

The art seems to have gone to the back burner. I have some projects to finish and need to post those as well. I have a day of the dead skull ready and one more to paint.

Right now, I am feeling sleepy and painful. I need to lie down for a bit. I have not had vicodin in the house for 2 weeks and it hasn't been much of a problem. Sometimes Tylenol doesn't quite do the job, but it helps.

G'night.......

October 3rd

2007-10-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

This year has flown by. I think that the older you get, the faster times goes by. You forget to stop and smell the roses as you age. I love to watch the little guys have fun and enjoy life. They are still innocent and haven't been affected yet by the crap that is this world sometimes. BUT, I must say, not all is bad. I can find a lot of things to be thankful for. God, my husband-at times LOL, my children, shelter, food, clothes, good friends, family, the fact that me and my siblings grew up to be friends instead of the brats who hated each other growing up.

Brody just got on the bus, Stacy and Kylie left within 5 min. of each other a bit before that. It is really quiet here but that is not all bad. I really need a nap. I have half a headache. It is like my head is split in half from front to back and the whole left side hurts. The head hurts, my ear hurts, my mouth hurts and my face hurts-all on the left side. Last time I felt like this, it was my right side and I ran to the doctor demanding a cat scan. I always think the worst and it happened to be shortly after my Dad died from brain cancer with a tumor that started on his right side. Well, I had a cat scan to find out that I had a sinus infection. Not bad, a 700.00 test (I really don't know how much-I am guesstimating) to diagnose a sinus infection. This time, I am going to drink lots of water and get some more rest. Even my gums hurt, my glands hurt, and also only on the right side of my head.

My new favorite shows this season are Back to you with Kelsey Grammar and Patricia Heaton, How I met your mother, and Two and a Half men, The biggest loser-which I was watching last week while eating cheetos (doh), and CSI las vegas. That is the only CSI I like. I hate the Florida based one only because I cannot stand Horatio. He is arrogant and knows everything. If not for his character, I would watch it. The CSI NY is another one. I used to like Gary Sinese but again, I don't like his character. I love the reality crime shows and medical shows. I could watch those all the time but I don't like reruns because I like to solve the cases along with the detectives or doctors and if it is a rerun, I already know how it ends, therefore it is no longer fun for me....I am very disappointed because I was a fan of 'the class' and it seems to have been canceled and I am pissed about that. But instead they have rules of engagement with David Spade-I am NOT a fan of the show. David Spade doesn't bother me so much as the show as a whole does. I want to see the class come back and 'New Christine'. I am bummed that Monk, Psych, and the Closer are off season now. If I could only watch 3 shows, those would be the ones.

I have slowly been doing some art projects. Last night I threw away a couple of things I had been working on. I just couldn't do anymore to them and make them look good so in the trash they went.

I love my new camera. I can't wait to get outside and start taking pictures. I love taking them of Brody but if he knows I am, he makes a goofy face. I love pictures of people just doing what they want to do. When Kylie was young, she would go from flat out temper tantrum to smiling in a new york second if someone took a camera out. She was the biggest ham! I don't know that I have a bad photo of her.

I need to go take my morning nap. My head is hurting worse. When I wake up, I need to make phone calls. I hate making phone calls. Even to people I love, I would rather email. I don't know why. Maybe it is that I can do it on my schedule. My mom doesn't have, nor she ever will have, a computer. When Dad was dying, she got rid of it. He used it but she never tried.

Off to my nice warm bed.....the only thing that would make my nap better is a nice rain storm.......ahhhhh.

hiatus

2007-09-19T00:11:00.001-07:00

I have decided to take a hiatus from my art groups. I am down to finishing two different projects and then need to concentrate on myself and my family for awhile. I think Vickie's death scared me because you realize how little time you have on this earth and anyone can go at the blink of an eye. I don't have any of my own art in my home. I would really like to change that! I always give away the things I make and have sold only a couple and done some for charity and such. I am getting things culled back and it feels good. I want to simplify things. Today I bought a kitchenaid mixer. I have been wanting one for a long time and since I am baking a lot more because of the celiac disease, it will be so nice to not have to do it all by hand. I also ordered a new and better digital camera. I want to start photographing more and getting a lot more of my children.

I am helping in Brody's class as much as I can this year and would like to make a memory book for each student in the class. I love working with the kids in the autism program. They are all so special and so very unique.

Last week, I had so much pain. I was in bed a lot and out of pain killers for a few days as well as sleep aides. That doesn't work with me very well. Some days were unbearable. I finally got my prescriptions on Friday and had a great day Saturday. On Sunday, I went to my friend Vickie's house to help her girls clean out her art room and business. They did sell her business so one of her daughter's packed all the inventory and the other one was in the craft room. I tried to help where I could.

It was weird being there without her. It made me smile to see all the dings and holes that she put in walls and doorways with her wheelchair! She had knocked a few of the doors right off the hinges! She moved fast in that thing. I remember at one meeting, I was sitting at the end of a banquet table and she backed into the other end, not realizing that she was squishing me on the other end. I was in a chair that I couldn't move because I was on carpet and it was stuck there! I didn't want to yell at her because I respected her too much but when I decided that the table was just about coming out my back side, I did have to say something! She felt so bad. I thought it was kind of funny-after I got my breath back and after my broken ribs healed! Just kidding, there were no broken bones. Just some soreness.

Vickie was so sweet, and never wanted to cause trouble. I think her doctors didn't do her justice. I can see her though not wanting to rock the boat and just doing what they said. I could see in her face that she was in a bit of despair the last few times. I wish I could've helped her. I wish there was more I could have done. I wish her doctor's had done more. That was their job and they failed at it. She wasn't given the proper meds and supplies until it was too late. She should have had more attention. I am afraid, to the doctor's that she was just a number and not a person with a family, husband, children and grandchildren. A lot of doctors are like that anymore. It is a sad situation. They herd you in like cattle and keep the people moving to make as much money as possible. They ask you questions but don't really 'hear' what you have to say. I am lucky that now I have, finally, some great doctors. I shouldn't have had to see doctors my whole life to finally figure out what was wrong with me. It was hell being told by so many of them that I was a hypochondriac and that it was all in my head and 'there is nothing wrong with you' said in such a way that I could tell that they thought I was wasting their time. It is ridiculous that we should expect so much as to have them do their jobs.

Sometimes I think that they went to school to learn how to write prescriptions and order tests or just decide that you are mental and hand you a bag of antidepressants. Along with that they order meds for constipation, anti-diarrhea, heartburn, and more. The drugs you have to take to quell the symptoms of the drugs you need are more than the ones you need to fight the disease.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for listening to my rant. I really need some sleep. I am having bouts of insomnia again!

hugs,
Zhall

I am Angry

2007-08-22T00:08:00.001-07:00

I remember back in Middle School, when I was just 12, going on 13. One of our classmates, Deven Petska, was killed in a car accident. I didn't know him very well, but the thought of death at that young age was just so unfair and I couldn't figure out how his family and friends were going to move forward through this when I, not even a friend of his, couldn't hold my own composure. I went to the nurses office and broke down. She said 'honey, I want to tell you something'. She said 'Death is for the living'. She asked me if I understood. I told her I did. I get it that we are born, we live and we die. But that still didn't explain to me how to make it easier to deal with it. Just saying, well, we all die sometime and somehow.......OK....true, but does it make it easier? No. People told me when my Dad died that 'it must have been easier because you knew he was dying'. No, that didn't make it any easier, just holding our breath for the inevitable. Either way, he is still gone. It isn't the dying that hurts the most, it is the 'being gone' that is the worst. It is when you start trying to go on with your life and finally after a few weeks, a month, a year, you realize, that person you love is NOT coming back.

Maybe the reward is knowing that each person's life was full of joy and meaning. That is my friend Vickie. She lived life strong. She had many accomplishments. She was an example to most and could have taught so many a lesson in moral values. It doesn't mean that this is easier to handle. People say 'you will get over it'-never, never do you get 'over' a loss like this. We get 'through' it and it may get easier over time but there is a hole in your heart that will always be there. I really don't know where I am going with this, just ramblings, I guess but I thought it would be good to get some of my feelings out of my head and onto 'paper'.

I am angry, mostly because I am selfish and want her back. I want her back because there were things I wanted to ask her and didn't get a chance to. I want her back because I need advice and don't know who else to ask. I want her back because I so looked forward to our once a month art meetings, I want her back because she was one of the only people that truly knew me and could honestly relate to my life. I have friends, no doubt, but they aren't all suffering some of the same things. Her health was much more fragile than mine. I am angry that her doctors didn't do everything they could have done for her long before this happened.

I am angry at myself for not being there for her as much as she was for me. I am angry because I don't feel good and she knew that. I am angry because people tell me, 'you look too good to be sick' and she would understand because she knew that no matter how 'good' you looked had nothing to do with how you feel. Anyone can put on make up, do their hair and smile pretty and 'look good'. She truly understood how much work it was to get out of bed and do all these things and yet still muster up the energy to leave the house.

She knew that just because I was out one day and looked good, that I may have spent the other six days of the week resting because it took me that much to even be able to work up to do everything that it takes to go out for the day. She knew that it may take a day or two or 7 to rest from the excitement of being out for one day. She knew me. She understood me. She loved me despite the fact that I would 'break down' about once a month-on schedule-and hate everyone and feel like everyone hated me and life was so unfair and my teen didn't listen, my son was having problems at school, my husband was, well, being a 'man', etc...... but she always had a way of making me feel better. She knew. She knew that it would all be OK somehow and someday and it usually did get better for a few days, then we would do it all again.

She was a never ending source of support for me. She knew me. She was my idol. I looked up to her. I am angry. I am mad that my friend was taken away. I know she is out of pain and out of her wheelchair and off oxygen and all the loads of medication, etc.......I know all these things. I have had many a dream about her walking and running and enjoying life out of a wheelchair. I always shared these dreams with her and she would smile and say 'I hope that means something'. I knew she would be out of that chair someday but I really wish it had been while she was alive. I am angry because she didn't have that chance. I am angry because I want her back.......

My friend Vickie

2007-08-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

A very, very good friend of mine passed away yesterday, August 18th. Her name is Vickie Enkoff and I think if I were to live 1000 years, I would never forget her. She was my friend, my mentor, my go-to person for advice on raising a teenager, my some time psych, and a 'mom'. She helped me get started in the designing of rubber stamps and when I got sick she offered to sell my line for me. Her health was worse than mine but she said, you have little ones, I don't, I can do it, don't worry. That was Vickie. She was generous to a fault. She was wheelchair bound and did more than the majority of able bodied people. She was a remarkable human being and will be missed by many, many people. I don't think she realized just how many people loved and cared about her.

The photo is of her
and her hubby,
Grady.

Paris Hilton and other peeves

2007-06-30T00:49:00.000-07:00

You really know this country is screwed up when breaking news is Paris Hilton being let out of jail. A drunk driver? She is lucky she only had to serve 2-3 weeks. It seemed like a week and a half. Her parents claimed misuse of the judicial system. Poor Hiltons. Poor little rich Hilton's. They finally found something they couldn't buy their way out of. The penalties should be much higher for drunk driving.

Zanna

June 9, 2007

2007-06-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

We have been out looking for cars for Kylie. What a chore! We saw one that was a joke! I couldn't believe how many things were wrong with it and in the picture it looked amazingly beautiful.....So, then we headed over to a dealership and we really liked one car but it had twice as many miles on it as it should for it's age. That was the only thing that we were not OK with. Plus, being at a dealership, they wanted a lot more than it was really worth. OK, so there were two things we were not cool with. Cute car though. So we are still looking for a reliable car that gets great mileage for our daughter to go to school and work. Anyone got any good leads? We are wanting to stay around the 5,000.00 mark and newer than 2000. I know the perfect car is out there. We just have to find it......

Brody told me today 'mom, I have some truth to tell you'. I say, 'OK' and he says 'I wanted to tell you this before but I didn't think you would let me be at Gramma Shirley's house'. 'OK....'. He tells me 'I like gramma better than you, I'm sorry.' He continues 'she doesn't make me do chores and you do'. OK again. I am glad he loves his gramma so much. I am not threatened. :), he just has to do all of my chores for the rest of his life too! LOL. He is a sweetie though. I will be second fiddle as long as I still get the hugs and kisses.

Paris Hilton is back in jail. I think that we need stronger laws for drunk driving. I think she should be in jail. She is just lucky that no one was hurt. My nephew was killed in a drunk driving accident. I think that the laws should be much tougher on drunk drivers. I don't feel sorry for her. I think she deserves the jail time and honestly, for violating her probation and drunk driving, I think they were too easy on her. A serious medical condition? Anyone know what the nature of her illness was? I am curious. Poor little rich girl. Mommy and daddy couldn't get her out of this one.

Gotta git!
N'night
Zanna

June 6, 2007

2007-06-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

My mom is 70 today. I have tried to call twice but I know she is out and tonight is my nephew's high school graduation and she will most likely be going to that.

Brody picked out some new clothes and wanted to dress like a cool kid. He is funny. He always wore white shirts with black or blue pants and never ever shorts. He picked out 2 new shirts-black and green and 3 pairs of shorts and new swimming trunks and some sunglasses. He also put on his jacket this morning when he was getting ready for school and I told him it would be hot today and he should probably not wear the jacket. He said 'mom, what is a cool kid without a jacket?'.

He wanted to me to take pictures of himself as a cool kid. I think he is always a cool kid but here is the best photo!

Isn't he sweet?

June 5, 2007

2007-06-05T21:39:00.001-07:00

Wow, my mom is 70 years old tomorrow. She says it is no big deal but I think it is......

On to other things.......Our cavalier-Kylie's car, was in a minor accident-just her and a median....so anyway, the car will cost more to fix than it is worth. We are donating it to the Autism Society of America. We have my blazer and DHs corvette left. So, only DH drives the corvette and it only seats two. Kylie and I are sharing the blazer. She works, has a social life and pt for her knees so she is gone a lot. When she isn't using it, I get to use it to run errands. Today, she went to go shopping by herself and oh, I forgot to mention that the AC is out. So, she gets to the first stop and driver side window won't won't go up. So, we have no air and a window that won't go up. So, tomorrow, I have to take her to PT and sit in the blazer until she is done so no one tries to steal it.....fun, fun, fun! Then we are taking it to the mechanic and hopefully he can get it fixed tomorrow because we just cannot be without a car. I hope I don't have to rent one.

We need to find a car. Anyone got a decent car under 5,ooo.oo that, in my daughter's words 'doesn't look like crap' that we can get for her.......

I am having high pain again. It is getting really frustrating. I need to get back to my doctor. I am having a hard time managing it anymore.

Gotta get some rest.

Zanna

June 4th, 2007

2007-06-04T15:54:00.001-07:00

This is a photo of the moon-yes, the moon- that I took the other evening. It is a little blurry but it was such a beautiful site. Brody went out to check on the dogs that night and came running back into the house and said 'Mom, you have to see this! The moon is boot-i-ful tonight'. He was right. I wish the picture would have come out better. I used the night time flash and no matter what I did, it was blurry.

Today was Brody's triennial review at school. He is in the autism program. It was a good day and a very promising meeting. He will stay at the school he is in. We had the option of putting him in a new school in a special day class not necessarily for autistic children but the special ed in general. I want him to remain where he is and where he is familiar. He will also have the same teacher. She decided to move up with him.

He has had a noticeable difference in his behavior since adding risperdal to his medication. There are a lot of people who criticize parents for taking the medical route. We didn't want to either but diet, time outs, reward systems, you name it we tried it, didn't work. We decided that for him to stay in school and be proactive that this was our only avenue at the moment.

I have been trying to do some art. I finally finished my niece's cigar box purse. It was fun and my favorite so far. Too bad her bday was in April and I am just now finishing it but I believe it was worth the wait and I am sure she won't mind getting another gift 2 months later.

Kylie, our 17 year old got in a minor car accident-just her and a curb-and totaled our car. The car was worth less than it would take to fix it so we are looking for good running car for reasonably cheap to get her to work and school. It has been a little stressful at times with her and I sharing a car-and a car that has no AC. It went out just has the HOT was starting.....

My mom will be 70 in a couple of days. My nephew graduates on her bday from the same school my mom went to. My niece and nephew, twins, graduated 2 years ago on the day that my mom graduated 50 years ago to the day and from the same high school she went to. Pretty cool. I wish I could be with her. It is hard living away from them. You gotta do what you gotta do......

Today was a very high pain level. Lately I have been feeling sick, achey and just down right week. It is bumming me out. I feel like I am walking through mud and my joints are screaming. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep some more......Hopefully this is a temporary flare and will soon be over. I am up on the prednisone, not by much but enough to make my stomach huge again and my face round-er. I look pregnant-NO, I am not!

Gotta go. Things to do, dinner to make.....

Zanna

May 17th, 2007

2007-05-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

The week is almost gone again. All the things on my do-to list are no where near done. I have such high hopes at the beginning of the week, but then life gets in the way. DD got in an car accident. The car is not drivable and she is fine but I have been running her to work and physical therapy and to BFs house. She can't drive the blazer. It is too big for her tiny little 5' frame. She doesn't feel comfortable driving it. That is fine with me. I am not comfortable with her driving it either. DH is working from morning til night. His boss had a stroke so he is trying to do both his and his boss' jobs. So we see him less than we did before. I hope the situation is remedied soon so he can be home more.

Mother's day was nice. DH and the kids each got me some really cute cards. Nothing big. DD had to work so didn't see her much. We are celebrating Mother's Day and my 39th Bday on Saturday. On Mother's Day my DS asked me "Mom, when is Sunday?". I said "today is Sunday, honey". "No, Mom, Sunday, like I am your son and when is my day?". Oh....Son Day!!! LOL. I told him "honey, everyday is sonday-and daughterday"! He is so cute. I was trying to find something today and he said "Did you try looking where you last saw it??". What a concept. If only it were that easy and I could actually remember where I last saw it.......The old brain cells don't cooperate with each other much anymore.

Today was a very high pain day. My legs, hips, lower back felt like they were on fire, throbbing and aching so bad I was nearly in tears. I had to pull out the strong pain pills. I haven't had to use them in awhile so they made me a little nauseous. But my legs feel better. Need to schedule appts. with all my 'ist' doctors. All the specialists. I hope I can get them all in one day as they are all in the same building. Makes it so much easier.

DD was looking for bathing suits today. She found two bikinis that she liked. Of course, she had to complain about her body-all 120 pounds of it......in my head I just wanted to slap her silly! I don't remember when I last weighed that.....I think it was in elementary school.......if I had her body, I would be running down the streets naked.......Just let her go through a few babies and then she will wish she had this body back again! Kids.......How to we go from the know it all teens to parents who realize that 'wow my parents might have known something...'. DD is getting a taste of the real world. She has her first job and so far so good but she asked me if she could take a sick day. She has been there 3 weeks! LOL. She's cute, she'll learn.

Well, my pain pills are kicking in. I think I am heading for bed......

Sleep tight all!

Zanna

May 16th, 2007

2007-05-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

The pictures posted in the previous entry are pages for a chunky book. What is a chunky? A chunky or fat book, is a collaborative project by several artists. A hostess decides the theme, artists sign up. We make as many pages as there are artists' signed up. We mail them all to the hostess and she binds a book for each player, and adds a front and back page, and sends a chunky book full of mouthwatering mini masterpieces.

In this particular swap, the hostess' theme was different colors per month. It is a slightly different take on the traditional chunky. Each month has a different theme. We can make up to 4 pages and send them off to the hostess, she sends us back as many as we sent in. In this swap they are unbound. At the end of the year, we bind them ourselves with or without our own front/cover page. I am making 5 each month, 4 to send away and one of my own to keep. I will have 5 of each month for a total of 60 pages.

The yellow one was for buttercup yellow and the brown was chocolate. I can't wait to get these all back. So far the swap has been amazing.

I am currently hosting a rolodex swap. I have set a theme for each month. It also runs for one year. I have each artist make six only and send them in each month. I swap them out and each artist gets 6 back. They all fit in a rolodex and it makes the greatest little art gallery that fits right on your desk. This month I was really late getting the cards out, due to small enrollment and trying to recruit some more players. Anyone can join, it is not too late! The postage rates have gotten really ridiculous so I am not sure how I am going to handle that.

Since going on beta blockers and feel much weaker. I can't stop the beta blockers or I will probably end up back in the hospital but I don't like that I feel weak again. Yesterday DD went to this FABulous art store in Irvine, CA. My wonderful SIL gave us gift certificates for Christmas and we finally had the chance to go spend them. The store, Sterling Arts, is AMAZING! We were there for a little over an hour, that was as much I as could take without getting an electric cart. My whole body hurt by the time we got home and my legs were burning up.

We could have spend all day at the art store. It was huge and had everything you could possibly imagine. I could have spent a cool mil there! It was hard just to not spend the amount on the certificates but DD and I only went $9 over the total of the gift certificates. I got some good quality acrylic paints and an instruction book on painting landscapes and still art. I can't wait to try them out. DD got some asian and egyptian themed stamps and a couple of cool pencils. It was a very good day and time well spent with DD. She is off to college soon and we won't see her nearly as much.

DH was unsuccessful at the non smoking issue but he is going to try again next week, he promised. His boss had a stroke and he has been working from morning to night to cover for his boss and to do his own job as well. It is hard because we didn't see him much before and now it is even less. Hopefully things will be rectified at work soon so he can get back to his 'normal' -and I use that term very loosely- and be home more hours and his stress will be lessened.

Things are really progressing at DS' school. He was having horrible problems at his school. He was having a terrible time controlling his temper and physical meltdowns. He was hitting, kicking, screaming, biting and spitting anyone that got in his way as well as teachers, aides, and principals. I thought that this was a direct result of autism. I started spending more and more time up there and realized that he was the only one whose behavior was that extreme. I had no idea it was that bad. We went to see his psychiatrist, who suggested a mood stabilizer. He started on Risperdal and immediately there was a HUGE difference-a total change. In the past 5 weeks, he has only slapped on teacher on the arm. His like a different child now. He runs to meet the bus in the morning. He is happy about his achievements, he doesn't scream and yell and hit at home anymore. He can have conversations and isn't distracted nearly as much as before the Risperdal. I can't believe that teeny weeny little pill could make such a huge difference. Most importantly he will be able to stay at the school he has been at because of his behavior change. We are thrilled!

Need to get to work on some art and laundry as I affectionately refer to as Mt. 'Wash'ington.

Tata!

Friday, April 27, 2007

2007-04-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

whooooaaaaa

2007-04-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since before Christmas! What an exciting year it has been. So much to tell. I don't know where to start. DH is quitting smoking. He started this morning and didn't want to put a patch on until he couldn't take it anymore. He got to that point and tried to leave to go to the store and I wouldn't let him. He went and put a patch on. I feel like I am babysitting! I just want him to do this. I know it's hard. I 've been there. I think he has smoked for almost 24 years though. It will be tough. Not just on him, I am sure!

It is hot here. TOO hot. I feel like we didn't even get a winter. I don't mind the 'cold' of so.cal. And, yes, it does get cold here! My family in the midwest has no sympathy for me. I am sure my sister AL would live out here, if her husband didn't mind her and the kids moving away! LOL. I don't know how long we will be here anyway. DH is sick of the commute the traffic and the craziness that is socal. He wants to get out of here but I don't know where to. He hasn't really said where he wanted to live. As long as I don't have to live in a desert and doesn't live in the tundra, we can pretty much go anywhere. Agreeing on a place would be the most difficult thing.

Well, I am back now and hopefully will keep up with my posts and put some more art on here.

Take care!

Zanna

Two days until Christmas

2006-12-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it is almost here. Everytime I think I am ready, I think of something else I could have or should have done. I didn't get any thing done craft wise or baking wise for Christmas. Oh well. I probably worry about it more than anyone else.

I will just be glad on Christmas when all is said and done and we can relax. I do miss my family on the holidays. I get a little homesick. Even though I am happy where I am with my husband and kids, I do miss the midwest over the holidays. Many good memories there. I am glad I have those to look back on. I am spoiled by the warmth of Southern California. I can't ever imagine living in the snow again!

I wish everyone a happy and healthy Christmas. May you be lucky enough to share it with the ones you love.

Hugs,
zanna

Venting, venting and more venting......

2006-12-21T20:50:00.000-08:00

I am sooooo tired of the complaint that people shouldn't say 'Christmas' because someone may be offended. Too BAD. Isn't Christmas the name of the Holiday that comes around on Dec. 25th??? If you are going to celebrate it, call it what it is. I don't see people offended over Easter, or Halloween or Thanksgiving. Those are the names and that is what they are called. So you are offended because the first six letters of Christmas are CHRIST????? Then don't use his name in vain when you are angry. You can't include it in the word Christmas, than don't use it to swear with. Not that that makes it ok, to swear but you get the jist.....

I am in a mean mood today. I am having a lot of issues and not dealing with them well. I am trying to deal with them but sometimes it takes more than just a smile or telling myself, 'hey, you can be happy today'. Sometimes you need more than just a pep talk. Sometimes it comes down to medication. Sometimes you have to treat the concerns in medicinal ways and theraputic means. I know it will all work out in the end.

I have a lot of medical issues-all diagnosed by a medical professional and even I think that it is too much for one person but it makes me take a longer look at people who do seem to have a lot going on. Are they really hypochondriacs or is there a deeper problem? And if there is a deeper rooted problem and it needs medicinal means to fix it, don't I owe it to myself to do that? Don't I owe it to my family to do that? I believe so. I don't want my family to suffer. I don't want my children or my husband to suffer. I want to be the best person I can be and if that means facing reality and accepting medicine for the problems that is what I need to do. I am tired of pretending that everything is hihocheeriohappysmileyfacesandbutterflies!

I am getting older and nearing 40 and I want my next 40 years to be better. I want to be healthy in mind and body for my kids, for my husband, but mostly I need to do it for me. Don't I owe it to all of us? I think so. I am tired of the stigma associated with mental illness. There are many, many people in the world that are dx with mental illness and do very well on medicine and one on one therapy. Sometimes, it is hard to face that you may need this but then, when you do and you take the steps to heal yourself, it is an awakening and it's like a light turns on and you wonder what in the HELL took you so long to get over your pride and do something about it.

I know I continually harp on my families to get tested-genetic testing-for celiac. I do it because I love them. I do it because I want them to be around. I do it because I am selfish and don't want them to suffer through unnecessary illness'. You can be asymptomatic and still have internal damage or damage that results from malabsorbtion issues. Maybe it is my place on earth to educate people. I truly believe we are put on earth for a purpose. What is your purpose? What is my purpose? Why have I been given so many crosses to bear? God handed me all of this along with the urge to talk. Hmmmm, maybe, just maybe I was meant to talk about things so that just one person will hear me and think 'wow, that sound's like me'. Maybe that would save a life.

It seems like a lot has happened in a short time but I suppose it would have been better if these things had happened over a longer period, maybe, but what's the difference if it is all at once or over an extended period?

I know that not everything is celiac disease and I know everything isn't a chemical imbalance, but what if, just for a moment, we believed it was and we had the right intervention and right treatments and we finally felt better than we ever have before? Isn't that the right thing to do?? If it was your child, shouldn't you give them the best they can have too?

This is not aimed at anyone or any specific group of people. I have realized a lot of things over the past few weeks and one is that things are definitely not as they appear on the surface. You never ever know the real story of what happens behind closed doors and in someone else's head.

I would never choose these things. I would never choose of life filled with doctors, pain, agony, and medical bills. I certainly would choose to spend my money on other things. We could have a bigger house with a pool in the back yard for what we pay in medical. I would much rather be able to offer my family material things but first I have to offer them the primary care items. Shelter, food and medical help.

In my dreams, I run the marathon. I still see myself doing that someday. Someday I might be able to do that because I am vigilant about my health and am getting proper diagnoses. Today, I am choosing to live. I am choosing to make a difference in my life for my dear husband and children.

I wish you all the very merriest of CHRISTmas' and a wonderful and healthy New Year!

Hugs and kisses!

Zanna

2006-12-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

I learned this afternoon that an online friend of mine has passed away. She was in the celiac support group and was one of the first people that welcomed me six months ago and we have emailed privately for some time. Her name is Cassi. She was only 45 years old. She leaves behind a husband, son, daughter, and one fur baby poochie.

Her death was a complete shock. She had flu like symptoms over the weekend, started feeling better, then got rapidly ill. Her husband called 911 but by the time they got to the hospital her liver and kidneys were failing. After they did fail, her heart gave out. That is all I have for details. Her bubbly personality will be missed sorely on our group.

So, please don't take your loved ones for granted and if you love them, tell them so. Life is short and you never know when your time will come up. Please send prayers, mojo, healing vibes, whatever it is that you believe in to her family.

DS has to have a bunch of dental work done tomorrow am, and they said they may have to administer nitrous. This may prove to be quite interesting. We switched dentists. DD still has to finish at the old place because she has braces that are paid off and they need to finish their committment. I can't wait until we are done with them. They are a very sore example of a professional business.

So, I am tired. I went to pick up a freecycle item and the homeowner forgot to leave it on the porch. She offered to bring the stuff to me. That is very nice. I then went on another freecycle pick up to get an inkjet printer, still in the box. Only one problem, it won't work with our computer. I think I will turn around and freecycle it.

I need to head to bed. Brody and I have a long day at the dentist tomorrow. I am already tired.......

Gnight,
Zanna

'Tis the season..........

2006-12-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

To get stressed-la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!!!! I thought the Holidays were supposed to be happy, at time to relax, enjoy and be thankful. There is so much to do and everyday fills up fast. Just when you think you have a weekend free, you get another invite or something else comes up.

Good thing is, there is some shopping done. Bad thing is, all the hard to buy for are not done......always a last minute thing trying to figure out what to buy for them. My DH never will say what he would like. He just says 'I don't know....' and he will never say so it is a guess. He has gotten gifts, mostly from me that he acts like he likes and won't say either way and then two years later, it is in the charity box, still in it's original package. I tell him 'that's what happens when you don't speak up', he says 'whatever'.......UGH!

What about this baloney about a city having to remove their nativity scene from the Christmas celebration because a 'couple' of people complained. Gimme a break! What about the 85% that want to remember the real reason of Christmas. And then there is the lady that fashioned a peace sign in the center of her wreath and her association is trying to get her to remove the wreath. Some people actually thought it was a sign of terroism. A peace sign in a wreath????? C'mon people! GET REAL. The first thing I thought of was a peaceful Christmas. I don't mind that my kids sang Dreidl, dreidl, dreidl in thier Christmas program and it didn't bother me that they learned about Kwanzaa but it does bother me that they are not allowed to sing 'Little town of Bethelem'. Just crazy. We are so worried about what other's think that we can't stand up for what we believe in???? It is spelled CHRISTmas, isn't it? The story of the birth of CHRIST?????? You don't like it??? Go your merry way and let me enjoy my CHRISTmas.......enough of that.

My teen DD is going through her 'I can't stand my mom phase'. Everyone tells me 'it's just a phase, didn't you go through that when you were young?'. Sure, I did but I am not my mother and my daughter is not me. We are different, I say. Well, apparantly not. Apparantly almost ALL girls do this whether you give them everything they need and 1/2 of what they want. There is still something wrong. I lovingly tell her that 'someday, Honey, you will see that we were right and you will love me again'. She says 'yeah, right, and you know I am OUTTA here when I turn 18!'. OK dear, but you are always welcome to come back if it doesn't work out....... She says 'won't be necessary!'. I came back home twice. My parents were wonderful about it. It did take me until I was 30 though until I realized 'OMG! They were right. They did know what they were talking about!'. I had just had my second child. I am glad I came to that conclusion while my Dad was still with us. He died six years later. He is still missed greatly.

DS is thoroughly excited about Christmas. He made out his list and is planning on giving it to Santa. He is counting down the days! OH, I almost forgot to give him his countdown to Christmas lego set. Gotta remember to get that out today.

Today, as I was getting on a freeway, there was a man lying in the middle of the road on the offramp. A woman was pulling his arms. I thought he had been hurt so I pulled over-as did 3 other cars behind me (some people actually drove around him) and the man got up and they were walking towards my truck. I rolled down the window to see if they needed me to call someone and if they were OK. I asked the questions and they just walked right on past me. The mad shot me a dirty look and the girl was crying. My imagination has me convinced that they were fighting and he was going to kill himself by getting run over. But that's just me. I have been told that my mind wanders.

Someone actually accused me of having ADD. ME, Hahahaha. And, I think they are right. It is getting tiresome always forgetting, never finishing things, not focusing, etc......maybe I will talk to my doctor about it. Who knows, it can't possibly hurt to talk to him. RIGHT? My husband says that I am the only person he knows that can change subjects in the middle of sentence. Apparantly he hasn't sat and visited long enough with a couple of my sisters. Yes, I know I talk a lot. I have this obligation (brought on by myself) that if it is quiet, I need to keep talking. I think it is 'nervous chatter'. My sister/friend/therapist (She is one in the same) tells me that.

Well, it's just me and DS tonight so I am making gf fried chicken legs and ore ida french fries. Yummy! One of his favorites.

Gotta run. Oh, and I do plan on writing more regularily.

Please everyone, slow down and take your time and BREATH! Life is good. Let that person in front of you on the freeway, grocery line, mall.... it will make you feel better.

Zanna

halloween and more

2006-10-31T07:59:00.000-08:00

Halloween is finally here. I will be glad when it is over. I do enjoy seeing my kids get excited and all the neighborhood kids but it is work and more. DS is a pirate-again. I think this is his third year as a pirate. He didn't have a hat for some reason. He told me it was smashed in the bottom of his closet by a suitcase so we had to buy a new one. We looked in Target and Walmart and had no luck so I bought some black felt and tried to make one. It turned out a little cheesy, but it will work. DS decided that it was not 'up to his pirate standards' and is wearing the red bandana instead-which I suggested he do all along.

DD is going to her friends who lives about 20 mi. away. I have a day of living in the car with two appts., DDs need to find fishnet stockings for her costume-I love when they tell you the night BEFORE that they need something, and then up to DSs classroom for Halloween party and to drop DD off at friends. Going to be a long day.

Haven't been to the gym for 4 days but have been pigging out on Halloween candy. I sure hope there is enough to hand out. I decided that whatever my son gets that he can't eat, I will add to the hand out bowl.

DS doesn't understand weight, height, dollars, amounts, time units, etc. He doesn't get weeks and months. He will ask how many more days until his birthday which is 10 months away. He wants to know exactly how many days until each event. He loves Halloween and has been counting down for a month as well as Christmas. He is a very special kid and can find the most minute details in just about anything. He is artistic and points out things that most of us would miss. He is ever so honest and doesn't beat around the bush. He tells me I cannot sing, or that I am too fat. I don't mind when he says it but he is the only one that is allowed! LOL.

DS is infatuated with Scooby Doo. He won't rest until he has all the scooby doo movies. I think we are almost there. Just a few more. He doesn't like other movies. He decides without seeing them. He doesn't like to go to the movies which is a bummer because I love all the animated children's movies and feel it is a little weird to go alone as an adult! LOL.

My friend and I were talking the other day about DSs behaviours. With any other child, I may punish them for their innapropriate comments and what others may perceive as rude. But punishing an autistic child for being completely honest is like punishing someone who is prone to seizure for having a seizure. We talk to him and let him know that the remark was inappropriate and he says he understands but with a matter of seconds, he may do the exact same thing. Constant repetitive discipline and maybe someday he will get it. I don't know. I have no idea what his future holds and frankly that frightens me! I worry all the time that kids will tease him because he is different. He doesn't look like there is anything wrong with him and he is very tall for his age so people automatically assume that he is older and should behave completely different than he does. It is hard as a parent because we know that people think we are not disciplining him or showing him the right way when that is completely absurd.

One time I had DS at the store with me. He had just been dx with autism and hadn't started any of his classes or therapies. He gets over stimulated and freaks out. He started running in circles and climbing over merchandise. An elderly man commented that he 'should get a spanking'. I tried to explain autism but all he could say to me was 'well, you shouldn't let him out of the house then'. That hurts. He does very well now in the stores and for the most part stays with me. He gets distracted like any child would in a store but he isn't climbing the racks anymore and doesn't hide in stores anymore.

DS just got on the bus so I am off to start my day!

rants, peeves, yahoo's and more!

2006-10-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been awhile. I started this blog with the intentions of writing something everyday, even if it were just a few sentences. That obviously has not happened.

DD and I have been going to the gym a few times a week. My doctor has approved for me to do some treadmill and some light weights and water aerobics. She (Dr.) said that she will still keep a close eye on me and that I have a long way to go before getting back to normal. Obviously she hasn't known me very long or she would realize that I was never 'normal'! LOL.

I have to give a big 'yahoo' to our nephew Jared. He is currently co-starring in 'The Grapes of Wrath'. He plays Al Joab. It was a fantastic play and he continually impresses us with his acting abilities. Not only a great performer, but also a great kid. Seems weird calling him a kid. He is almost 22. He has grown into a fantastic MAN.

My son has high functioning autism. He is having a bad week. He was out of his microwave popcorn at school for his snack. The whole class has popcorn at snacktime but DS can only have foods that we provide for him due to the celiac disease. He was out and I didn't send anymore-purely an accident-and it made his whole evening bad. When children with autism, get fixated on something, it takes them a long time to move on. He says things without thinking and sometimes hurtful. He forgets to think before he speaks, but then we all know people like that who are not autistic, don't we??? So, DS says whatever he is thinking. Despite the occupational therapy he receives for social interaction and despite all the roll playing we do at home, he still 'forgets' when it comes right down to the moment.

DD and I were speaking to a black man at the gym one day. DS asked him 'why are you so brown?'. I tried to explain to him that DS was autistic and blurts out whatever he is thinking. The man told him 'I have a good tan, don't I?'. Yesterday, we were talking to the neighbor and another little girl came over and she was covered in freckles and had red hair. DS asked 'What is wrong with your face?' The little girl has the most beautiful freckle covered face! So, had to explain to her that he says things sometimes that sound mean but he doesn't understand that they are taken as mean or rude or callous. I told her she was beautiful and then explained to DS about freckles.

It is really hard sometimes. Most people just think he is rude and that it is due to his parents lack of rearing and disciplining their children. Believe me, it is not. DS would be in time out of for saying something off handed and in the first few minutes out of time out, could repeat the same thing. He is doing much better but even with all the OT and roleplaying, he is still bound to say things that hurt. We just have to understand that it is the autism. Most people do understand, but I feel horrible when it happens because I know some people still think that we are to blame for his behaviors or that he is just an ungrateful brat. Neither of those are true. He is truly a loving child, with many gifts.

The traffic out here is just getting horrible. DH has been saying that he wants to move out of the state. He is tired of it. I am surprised because I never thought he would move out of So. CA. Someday. We want DD to finish college first. She was granted an early acceptance into the college of her choice and she is only 16. We can't let her miss this opportunity. She also said 'I am NOT moving!'. LOL.

I haven't had too much time for art lately. I feel like I am either in the kitchen or the gym working on my physical therapy. I am getting stronger by the week but still, like my doctor said-a long way to go. That's OK. I am determined to be healthy again someday. I want to go to school too.

Well, back to the kitchen! UGH.

TTFN
Zhall

The biggest loser

2006-09-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was watching the biggest loser tonight. I had to take a break. It made me feel pretty crappy about my body....ugh! I have gained back some of the weight I lost and need to get on the ball again. I know I haven't been that good. I can blame it on so much but those are just excuses. Since going gluten free, we have been eating whatever we could find that was gluten free, including the fattening things. Bad move. Need to restructure our diets again. And, try to get back to the gym. I go with DD and don't do too much as my body won't allow it right now but I bring reading material and let her finish her workout.

Hopefully, we can reshape and restructure without too many snags.

Have I told you all about our chihuahua, Houdini? His really name is Lenny aka Lenyrd P. Skinnard aka dum-dum (my dad named him dum-dum and in order to preserve his memory (may he rest in peace) we still lovingly call him dum-dum). We put the dogs in the back yard and somehow dum-dum was getting in the back neighbors yard. We were dumfounded with dum-dum. We had put chicken wire along the whole back wrought iron fence and started filling up areas where it looked like he could dig under with big rocks. This dog is only 5 pounds so we couldn't figure out how he was getting around these rocks. We were pretty sure he wasn't moving the stone like Jesus did from infront of his tomb but we were still in awe with this dog. We found a suspicious area so we strenthened it with an old baby gate (yes, it looks a little ghetto but would you rather look at that or hear your neighbor complain about your dog in their yard?). The darn dog was still getting out. I would spy on him and he would be perfectly good then walk away and come back and he was on the other side of the fence. We have to fish him back out. Finally we have been putting him on a chain while his brother-the good dog-had free reign of the yard because he didn't escape.

By chance one morning, I woke up and opened the drapes in the bedroom (DS had already let the dogs out and forgot to tie up lenny) and there is that darn dog, CLIMBING, yes, climbing up the babygate fence and jumping over like a cat! Arhghghghg. So until we can figure out how to keep Lynnard P. Skynnard in the back yard, he is on a leash while his brother Squiggy aka Squigmond Frued, gets the whole yard to run in.

Back to the biggest loser to make myself feel even worse.......woe is me! LOL.

Xana

sick of baking

2006-09-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

I am tired of cooking and baking and the prep work for the gluten free diet. Gone are the days of convenience. Gone are the impromptu fried chicken and mojo dinners from the deli, the frozen pizza, the frozen lasagne, the easy life! LOL. I do get tired but it is working. I actually had tears the other night because I wanted a patty melt from tom's farms along with a side of breaded onion rings. Neither of which I can touch with out getting sick. I am sure I was a tad emotional from the pmsing and the missing my dad and the gluten incident where I misread a package and ingested gluten. That is not a fun day. I had just been complaining about constipation and an hour later, I was worried about the opposite! Gluten works better than any form of fiber but it also makes me tired and my joints ache for days afterward.

My conclusion is that I now know I react from gluten so my test results from the controversial labs that we sent to were correct. While a lot of people find these tests to be controversial, only because the Dr. has not had his testing published, I find him a Godsend. I also believe that the antibody testing that most doctors do is misleading. My daughter had those at least three times in her life. We finally went to Entero lab, www.enterolab.com and she was dx with celiac. Since going gluten free, all her symptoms have reversed. I do not trust the blood tests. The come back as a false negative in over 1/2 of the population. So if you are testing for celiac or gluten intolerance-pretty much the same thing as far as I have found-don't trust the standard antibody tests. Just my opinion, I am not a doctor but do play one in my dreams where genetic testing is a norm for all diseases like this. I know it is unrealistic but hey, that's what dreams are for. My dream, my story.

I am wishing very hard for a new kitchen aid stand mixer to make my gluten free bread in. Supposedly gf bread is very heavy and burns out regular mixers and bread machines. I haven't tried mine because I don't wish to kill them. I want the machine from Sam's club. It is 250.00 so Gift Certificates to Sam's club would be the ideal gift. I also need a new blender so I can make my salsa again with out killing my hand using my pampered chef chopper, which is wonderful but not for high quantity use.

I am very sleepy tonight and it is already dark at 7:30. Wonder if I can convince DS that it is bedtime and hour early......seriously doubt it.

Oh, DS asked me the other day 'is there gluten in heaven, mom?'. I said, 'I would think not.'. He says 'oh, good. I can't wait to get there so I can order a pizza!'. Poor kid. He would sacrifice his life for pizza. Some moments, I don't blame him. I found a recipe for gf pizza crust but we can't have cheese for a couple more months and I can't find the soy cheese that everyone says is so good and I seriously don't think a pizza crust with sauce will stop our cravings. Although, breadsticks and pizza sauce might be pretty good.........mmmmm. I will try that.

Need to get some stuff done and read to DS and put him to bed.

Tata,
Xana

It's been way too long.

2006-09-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in over a month. Not sure why. I guess I just really got busy and then didn't feel like it.

In the beginning of August, our family was all diagnosed with some form of gluten intolerance. We have to eliminate all forms of gluten from out diets. Gluten is found in wheat, rye, barley and oats. It is also found in malt, soy sauce, some salad dressings, mixed dry sauces, almost every soup, candy and even shredded cheese. It is a huge adjustment. DD had already been on a gluten free diet. It makes it much easier that all of us have to avoid it also. We are also dairy free for the time being. The tip of the villi-in your intestines-are destroyed by gluten and the tip of the villi is what digests lactose. Therefore, until our instestines are healthy again, we need to avoid lactose. DD did have some a few weeks ago and didn't get nearly as sick as she used to.

I can't wait until we can have dairy again. It will make things so much easier. I have been very emotional the past couple of weeks and started crying the other night because all I wanted was a big juicy cheeseburger. If I ordered it how I could eat it, it would be a hamburger patty on a plate with lettuce, tomatoe and mustard. Maybe a little ketchup. It is getting easier avoiding the foods we can't have. This diet is anything but convenient. I feel like I spend so much time in the kitchen lately. I have to provide all of the kids meals and our son who is in school can no longer take school lunches so I need to provide lunch and snacks as his teachers can no longer give him snacks from their stash. DH also takes lunch every day now and he would have someone run out and get him a meal but now it is all prepared at home. I miss putting a premade lasagne in the oven or going out to dinner. We are still too scared to try that though.

I found a really great flour substitute on line that you sub one for one in any recipe. I have made peanut butter cookies, cobblers, monkey bread, banana bread, blueberry bread and more. I haven't spend so much time in the kitchen since I was a cook in a restaurant! LOL. I also found some cereals without gluten. Cocoa pebbles and fruity pebbles are both gluten free, so we are using those for rice crispy treats and they taste better than the original. The new Dora cereal is also gluten free and so are trix. DS eats them with Silk instead of milk and he loves it. I make warm rice sometimes for breakfast, just like when I was a kid. I put vanilla silk over it, a little sugar and cinnamon. Now that's a comfort food.....mmmm. I need to add raisins next time.

This disease is weird. It has so many side effects. The long term are the worst. All the things I have been diagnosed with over the years can happen to anyone who has a gluten intolerance and is not being treated. The only treatment is a gluten free diet. You can even have it and not have the most popular outward symptoms such as short stature and disgestive problems. There are so many other symptoms and a person can have one or all of them. There is infertility, migrains, depression, anxiety, intestinal distress, a diagnosis of IBS could really be a misdx of celiac, osteoporosis, short stature, failure to grow, failure to thrive, distended stomach, gone the long run can turn into myositis-muscle disease, or primary billiary cirhossis-liver disease, fibromyalgia, thyroid problems and many more.

My wish is that the testing were more sure. The blood tests and biopsies that are currently being used are not always accurate. More than half of the people dx with gluten int. have negative blood tests. I did, so did our daughter. Our genetic panels, however all showed the markers for celiac and gluten int. I think people should just do the marker tests and if it is positive, try the diet for a month or two and see how you feel. We have all had noticable differences in how we feel. Our son's teacher noticed a big difference in his behavior from last year to this year-he has the same teacher. Our daughter has shown the most improvement and rarely has tummy aches anymore. I feel stronger. I am not as moody. I feel more relaxed.

I did get glutened on Tuesday, which also happened to be celiac awareness day-ugh. I ate candy corn, which in itself was gluten free but was processed in a facility that also processes gluten products. That was all it took. I felt like I was going to die. First symptom was extreme fatigue. Then nausea, chest pains, back pains, numbing in hands and feet and then diarhea-four times in an hour. I had to go to bed early. I am still a little pooped out from it but was feeling better the next day already. Not fun. I don't care if I ever eat gluten again.

Someone asked on our support group how we stay away from gluten. Our family never considered it a choice. We have the idea that if this was diabetes, we wouldn't goof around with that and not take our insulin. This is a serious disease too and the ONLY treatment is a gluten free diet. And it works. I am thankful that it doesn't require anything from the doctor or prescriptions. Just a diet change. We can do that. We have been through so much already. This is our answer to better health. Don't get me wrong. We have plenty of negative days when we wish we could just walk into a restaurant and order whatever we want but we know that if we do, we get sick. None of us want to get sick.

There is a fine line between lecturing and caring. I care about people. I don't want anyone to every go through the things I have gone through. I was so sick I couldn't carry my baby to full term, he was only 3 pounds and when he came home at 5 pounds, I couldn't carry his 5 pounds across a room without tiring very quickly. I couldn't get out of a chair without assistance. I couldn't go to the mall or the swap meets or the amusement parks or the grocery stores without the use of an electric scooter or wheel chair.

My family went to LegoLand on Friday. We were there for only 5 hours but I walked with my cane the whole time. Granted, I took several breaks and rested a lot and slept all the way home and then through to the next day but I did it. I did it and am so proud of myself. It did take me several days to feel a little better then I got glutened. Go figure.

My doctors for years told me there was nothing wrong with me, that I was crazy, that I was a hypochondriac and on and on. One doctor, who handed me a bag of prozac, replied to my query of prozac being bad for a baby since we wanted to have another one, with 'do you think you are mentally stable enough for a baby?'. He said I was hysterical. Well, yes, I was because I was in pain, tired and sore everyday and no one could tell me why. Hyserical! He was lucky I didn't go hysterical all over his ass. I was so pissed when I left his office that I didn't go back to a doctor for two years, until after our son was born premature. I also wrote Dr. Stupid a not so nice letter.

This is my body and even though it is not that thin, I am trying to be healthy and take care of myself. Most important is to be good on the inside and love yourselves and treat others the same way.

My Dad has been gone for two years now. I really miss him. I miss the most his laughter when he was with our kids. You don't realize how good of parents your own parents were until you have your own and suddenly, reality hits and 'oh, my God, they really did know what they were talking about.....'. Oh, say it isn't so! LOL. On my 30th Thanksgiving, right after our son was born, it hit me. Yes, it took me until I was 30, but in my defense, I don't believe most people realize it at all. That thanksgiving I wrote to my parents and told them that they were what I was most thankful for that year.

Our parents raised us with spankings. I don't resent them for that. They did what they knew and they did the best they knew. They couldn't have done half bad. We are all raising our own pretty great kids.

Don't get me wrong, not all parents are worth the acclaim. I have met some like that. I have met children of parents who overcame their parents lack of skills. I am just not putting my parents in that category.

My Dad taught me to use power tools, to fish, to cook as did Mom, who taught me chores and ironing and baking and sewing and crocheting. They also taught us matrimonial loyalty and respect for your spouse. We were also taught that a job was a priviledge as well as driving. They weren't things that were just handed over. You had to work for what you had. I always took pride in my jobs and a job well done. I just miss Dad and I am sure I always will.

That's enough for today, the dryer is calling.......yay!

Zanna

just a quickie!

2006-07-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

OK, get your mind out of the gutter!!! LOL. Been a long day. DS had swimming and is progressing everyday. He loves the water now and jumps in and goes under. He is a little slow in the coordination area and can't quite seem to move his arms and legs together but he manages to move otherwise! He has a little crush on his teacher, Miss Shelbie. He really likes going because she is there, I think.

The heat wave has finally let up a bit. I knew it was really bad when I decided 95 degrees was cool. Ugh.

Today has been a tough one. I am really tired. I think because I haven't had even one day that something didn't HAVE to be done. I just need a day to recharge and have a significant amount of quiet time. When does the school season start up again????? LOL.

Well, my nephew, JRK is in a play starting this Friday. I can't wait to see him perform. My other nephew JFS is also an actor but he is on the opposite coast from us so we have not yet been able to see him perform. Someday, when they are both big screen idols, I can't say 'I knew him when.......'. And, brag I will.

Time to get off the computer so DD can get on. I swear, she would be on the computer all day if I let her-24/7. She never has enough time to talk and chat with friends but as parents we get the one word replies quite frequently-yeah, no, NO, ok, and the ever loving-WHATEVER!

Got to go.

Have a great week.

On my prayers today is my friend VE who also has polymyositis and conjestive heart failure. She is a friend and a mentor who showed me the ropes of the rubber stamping design and business. She is a wonderful human being and she is very week lately. She cannot seem to walk or stand for any significant time and is wheelchair bound. She has been very resistant to treatment. I pray that they find something to work for her soon.

Zhall

summer peeve and more

2006-07-31T00:38:00.000-07:00

I will never understand why the swimming items/pool goodies are sold out by the middle of July and the bathing suits are all on clearance and picked over. This is So. Cal for gosh sakes. People swim year round here. The store even had halloween and fall decorations out for sale-in JULY! Next week, probably Christmas things will be out and the stores will be worried about whether or not they can say "Merry Christmas" to their customers because they 'might' offend one percent of the population.

Anyway......I got the cutest invitation for my Godson's/nephew's 2nd birthday bash today. DJL, is going to be 2 already. Wow. He and his sisters are the cutest little golden haired kids I know in MN! LOL. I just want to pinch their cheeks and hug them and spoil them rotten. My son, said, wow, we haven't seen DHL in YEARS! He is right it has been nearly two years since we were home for dad's funeral. DAL says it is our turn to come home since funeral's don't count but, I did the math-yes, I can do elemental math and, we were home the year before that too, to see my Grandma S. after she was dx with lung cancer. So, since the last time the L's have been out here, I have been home 3 times. Hmph! SO, it is the L's turn to come here.

It is late, I am sleepy. I was working on some art related things but it was of the organizational matters and that is no fun, so I got bored to quickly. I think I will retire and hope that the art elves come and finish all that mess for me. Oh, and they can bring the mopping elves and the vacuum elves as well. I sleep soundly, they won't disturb me, really!

Gnight!
Kisses to all my nieces and nephews! : )

Zhall

20 days of heatwave

2006-07-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

UGHGHHG. This weather is getting really old. I can't stand it! I think it is the 20th day in a row over 100 degrees. I went swimming while DS was in lessons today. So much nicer to be in the water than sitting next to it. DS is getting the hang of swimming slowly but surely. Today he asked a little boy if he was a scaredy cat and the little boy cried. I felt so bad. I went to talk to the mother and explained to her that DS is high functioning autistic and he sometimes says inappropriate things. She said that her other son is HFA too and she understood. She tried to explain it to this son. I had a long talk with DS about how he feels when people call him names. He agreed that it doesn't feel good. He did apologize but tomorrow, I am going to urge him to cheer this boy on and make him feel good about his progress. I also am going to talk to his teacher and see if he can do private lessons. He is getting so distracted that he is having a very hard time sitting still. I am tired too! This heat has me dragging.

DD was supposed to go to the movies three days in a row with a guy friend. He stood her up and had some lame excuse everyday. So, now she is mad at everyone and anyone. I told her to not make anymore plans with him. I wonder how people can be so inconsiderate of others. She is very hurt. She confided in me today that she really would like to have top ramen and a piece of white toast. She can't have gluten anymore and if she does, she gets very sick. I know this diet is going to be hard but someday, hopefully it will be second nature to her. I need to experiment in the kitchen to try and make some of her old favorites.

I am getting sleepy..........need to get off to bed.

OH! DAL, sorry I missed your call today. I was at RNs house and not near my phone.

On my prayer list today:

My cousin's husband, David whose lung cancer has gotten to the point of hospice. His doctors have predicted about 8 more weeks. Please remember him and his wife, Nancy and their families in your thoughts and prayers through this difficult time.

Night all!
Zhall

too, too long again

2006-07-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

I really need to keep up with the blogging! I got a letter from a high school friend, actually we have been friends since K or 1st grade-I can't remember! Anyway, hey CB!!!! Our 20th class reunion is this summer and I won't be able to make it. I am a little sad about that. I haven't missed one yet but we just have too many bills coming in for medical reasons and a car that keeps puking. I know we need a new one but I love my blazer and don't want to see her go!

DS has been taking swimming lessons. He had to take level one over again. He is doing well, just not well enough. Today, he was very distracting to the other children. I feel bad when that happens. People look at him and see a 'big' boy and a normal looking child. They can't see autism. He is almost 8 and the other kids are around 4 years old. He is tall for his age anyway so he towers over them. People look at him and see a boy who should be old enough to control himself but he doesn't, then they look at me as if I am a bad parent for having a child that can't be controlled. It is tough. Most of the time he is very loving but somedays are bad. That is just the way it goes. I had a complete stranger tell me that he shouldn't be allowed in public after a meltdown at the grocery store. UGhghghghhg!

My Dad worked at a center for the mentally challenged for thirty years. He made us aware and tolerant of people with special needs. At my first job as a waitress near my home and the center dad worked at, they used to bring the kids in groups with their own money so they could see how eating out worked and tipping and social manners. This was for the higher functioning kids. I always enjoyed working with them. We had a customer. I believe his name was Laddie. I am sure he died several years ago. Laddie used to complain every time they came in that they shouldn't be allowed to be in that restaurant. I wouldn't wait on Laddie anymore. He used to insist that his change be only crisp new dollar bills too. If they weren't, he gave them back and demanded new ones. He was an old bitty if men can be bitties.......

I am organizing my craft areas once again. It is amazing how much more stuff I have found that I don't need and once thought I did. Even more amazing at some of the stuff I found and couldn't figure out why in the hell I bought it in the first place. My dream is to be uber organized. I can organize things but I have a real problem keeping them that way. I know I am ADD. The ADD artist. I have 10 things started at once, never finish them and wonder why I am so tired but worked my butt off that day......

Oh well,
Asta la vista, baby!

Zhall

I am soooooo sore!

2006-07-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in so much pain. I can't believe how much swimming takes out of you. My joints are sore and my legs feel like lead. Of course, today is errand day and both the kids have extracurricular activities so will have to be running! Of course......I am sure I will sleep well tonight!

DS is back to wearing his jacket to school. We are going to work on that one again soon. He wears long sweat pants and a jacket everyday and doesn't seem to care that it is 110 degrees out. Yesterday, thankfully it was down in the 80s and I was even chilly getting out of the pool. I was happy to have a relief from the heat. Not sure what today will bring.

I need to lie down for an hour or so!

Zanna

swimming.......

2006-07-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I went swimming today with DS. He had his lesson and I tried to swim back and forth a few times. I forgot just how much strength it requires to swim! I went very slow and steady with deliberate moves to try to help build up some muscle in my legs and arms but I got tired really fast. I am feeling it right now. My knee especially hurts so I don't think I will be on the treadmill anytime soon, but more swimming should be OK. My goal is to 'try' to move each day.

It really hit me today that this is going to take some time to build up the muscle that I have lost over the years. But, each journey begins with just one step, right? I try to keep that in mind. I really enjoy spending the time with DS though and he really loves the water.

I am pretty exhausted though so I am going to get some shut eye!

Zanna

Some current art

2006-07-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

These are charms I made for a charm swap. Everyone made 25 charms, we send them to the swap hostess and she is making each of us-25 players-a bracelet with each of the 25 charms. I made two sets, I couldn't resist. The buttons are from a design I saw in a beading magazine recently. I used a bunch of buttons that my mom had sent me a couple years ago. I also made my mom a bracelet with 23 button charms. The square charms are actually made on scrabble tile pieces. I really am excited about this project and can't wait to get my bracelet back!

This project was the 'grape box' swap. The hostess sent us all a foam stamp (the grapes) and we were to make a box using the stamp somewhere and also a mini project for the inside of the box. I made a cigar box purse out of mine. The embellishments are all homemade with polymer clay and paint. The stamps are by claudine hellmuth. I had a hard time getting started on this one and a harder time sending it away! It turned out to be one of my favorites. The inside is lined with purple velvet and ivory trim. The mini project inside is a microscope slide mirror that I altered to resemble the pictures on the purse.

These photos show the back of the purse and the purse opened.

Fruit cocktail

2006-07-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided to have a small bowl of fruit cocktail, something I haven't had in a very long time. As I was dishing it up, I thought 'wow, I can totally eat all the cherries'. When I was a kid, we rarely got fresh fruit in the winter. We lived in Northern WI and fresh fruit was expensive in the winter. We could, however have fruit cocktail. Me and my two younger sisters would all want the cherries and sometimes there was only one in the whole can so we would argue over who got to eat it. It was weird looking at that can last night and getting to eat all the cherries.

I realize that I don't post as often as I should. I have a teenage daughter who is on summer vacation and spends a great deal of time on the computer in the evenings. That was when I usually posted so since I have been only going online during the days, I forget to post.

I can't remember if I talked about DDs, reaction that ended her up in the ER or not. She hadn't felt good all evening and throughout the night, she got more and more sick. Painfully sick. She couldn't even stand up straight and was screaming in pain. In the past we usually see if it passes before going to the ER, but this time was the worst of any in the past. I took her to ER in the morning and they ran blood tests and xrays just to make sure nothing was blocked. She was also vomitting, so they put her on saline drip to rehydrate her. She didn't feel any better until they gave her fenergan and finally she was able to rest.

All her tests came back normal and they sent her home about 1pm. We finally figured out what may have caused her reaction. It was either pam spray or a crumb of bread that somehow got into her food. There are so many things to be careful of, it is amazing. Some of the vitamin supplements she has been taking, contain gluten so we have to find some without. I just heard the other day that paper towels and napkins may contain gluten! Good grief!

My health has been improving. I still am far from 'normal'-that goes without saying. My muscle counts are almost near normal for the first time in almost eight years. I have been trying to swim every now and then and I try to walk the treadmill more but it seems to wear me out faster. Two of my liver counts were down, one was up. Doc thinks I may have a blockage in a bile duct so I need to have an MRI to make sure.

DS is doing absolutely amazing! He started swimming lessons last Monday. We tried to take him when he was six and he had a meltdown and wouldn't even let us put his bathing suit on, let alone take him to the pool. Finally, this year, he is almost 8, he asked to go and he has been loving it. He would stay in the water all night if I let him! He is doing really good. I am so proud of him. He is a funny boy!

Take care all!
Zhall

Happy 4th of July

2006-07-05T02:10:00.000-07:00

Today, we did nothing exciting. We went on Sunday to a minor league baseball game and fireworks show. Today was a lazy day. I did get a lot of art accomplished and am very happy about that.

Tomorrow is mine and DHs anniversary. We are planning a nice dinner out. It is hard to eat out anymore. I really have a hard time with restaurant menus and eating healthy. I am always drawn to something fried. I think I will check out the menu before I go......

I cannot get to sleep tonight. I don't know why. I woke up early. My energy level is up and it makes me want to do more but my muscles still have a lot of waste and can still tear and tire easily so I have to be very careful not to over work them at all.

DS is going to wear shorts to school tomorrow. This is a huge break through for him. He wore the same sweat pants, t-shirt, jacket and hat for two years. He got rid of the hat over a month ago. I convinced him to go to school without a jacket and now tomorrow he is going in shorts. It is just too hot here to not wear shorts. It has been in the triple digits for a week now. He gets soooo hot. He also told me that he wants to take swimming lessons and karate again. He is showing an interest in things and that is very exciting for us.

Now, I am finally getting tired! LOL. I knew that once I got online, I would get drowsy.

Zanna

Four Things

2006-07-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

I received this in an email from a friend, Mrs. L., and thought it would be fun to put it in my blog:

Four things:

A) FOUR JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:
1. waitress
2. restaurant manager
3. cashier
4. cashier trainer

B) FOUR MOVIES I WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AND OVER:
1. overboard
2. fried green tomatoes
3. the sound of music
4. where the heart is

C) FOUR PLACES WHERE I HAVE LIVED:
1. chippewa falls, WI
2. mountlake terrace, WA
3. chino, CA
4. anaheim, CA

D) FOUR T.V. SHOWS I LOVE TO WATCH:
1. any reality forensic show/crime show
2. NCIS-we LOVE abby!
3. american idol
4. monk
5. I had to add my newest favorite-the closer

E) 4 PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. Alaska
2. Virginia
3. New York
4. Vancouver, Canada

F) FOUR WEBSITES I VISIT DAILY:
1. my blogger-i try to visit daily....
2. google search
3. google images
4. various friends blogs

G) FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
1. cheesecake
2. thin crust digiornio cheese pizza
3. shellfish-shrimp and lobster
4. fresh fruit and veggies

H) FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. In WI with family
2. visiting with my dad (he has been gone 2 years almost)
3. I would love to visit New York City someday if I can ever get over
my fear of flying
4. Europe to see the museums and castles and architecture but, alas
there is that fear of flying thing.....

I) FOUR THINGS IN MY FRIDGE:
1. sour cream
2. cut up watermelon and canteloupe
3. imitation crab meat
4. raw chicken for dinner

J) FOUR THINGS IN MY PURSE:
1. a million old receipts
2. cell phone
3. old business cards for my business that ended 7 months ago
4. lipstick

reminiscing

2006-07-04T01:25:00.000-07:00

So DAL wants me talk more about her. I told her to be careful what she wished for because I know A LOT about DAL. Not all of which she would want posted.

So, I am sitting her thinking of any stories I can tell about my goofy little sister. Who, by the way, her darling neighbor, I will call Mrs. S (don't know her last name), thinks I look younger than! I love that. We are only 51 weeks apart. That is all. When we were younger, if someone had told us we would be as close as we are today, I think we both would have laughed in their faces. Let's not forget my sister DVS. It is nice to have your sisters among the best of your friends. Us three were each a year apart in high school. We were all on the swim team at one time. Three years in a row of proms, letterman jackets, yearbooks, swim meets, band practices, etc.....I seriously don't know how my parents made it. And, we were the youngest 3 of six. The first three had somewhat prepared them. There are 14 years between the oldest and youngest and 7 years between the 3rd and 4th. I am #4. This is how we referred to each other growing up and still do. DAL is #5, DVS is #6 and we all know we are the favorite of our parents.

I remember one time that DAL threw a fork at me and it actually stuck in my head, at the hair line. I looked like a unicorn. It wasn't in very far but far enough to stick. I cannot remember how old we were but I remember thinking that it looked hilarious. I remember throwing a potted plant at her-or was it a roll of tape that hit a plant???? Regardless, the plant ended up on the floor and I got in trouble for that. I really don't remember if she got into trouble for making a unicorn out of me or not. I guess I was too worried about the 4 extra holes in my head.......I still have not lived that down.......

We did have fun though. Even though we didn't all like each other for any amount of the same time, we always had someone to play with or torment when we were bored.

I remember my dad letting us watch 'Halloween' when we were young-maybe too young to watch a show like that. I think us three girls all slept in one twin bed for a few weeks. So, we pretended we didn't like each other but if one was hurting or scared, we were there for them, for the most part. It was fun to tease each other.

We were always outside playing in the woods, building forts, swimming and in the winter we were building snow forts or ice skating on Lake Wissota. We would shovel ice rinks and big long trails all over the lake. We were rarely in the house. There was more to do outside then. We only got 3 channels-on a good day-we didn't have a VCR, no video games but we played board games and rollerskated in the basement, and we always seemed to be keeping busy. The neighbor boys would come over to bug us a lot too or us to their house. They had cable. We didn't. I remember watching 'brady bunch' at their house and thinking that they were so rich to have cable and was so impressed. I only know one person that doesn't have cable right now and that is DAL.......I don't think I could live without it.....

OK, it is 1:30 am. I am exhausted. Will try to write more tomorrow.

Healthwise, still feeling great from the no more diet coke thing and am down 21 pounds now. I can't wait to start rehab for these tired muscles and then maybe go to school to get retrained. I have always wanted to go back to school. Never too late....

Zhall

Kiss my Aspartame

2006-07-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have been reminded by my sister, formerly know as AL, but now prefers to go by DAL, that I need to make a post.

I have been talking about Celiac disease a lot lately. My DD was tested for this and does have the genetic marker. She was given a biopsy and the doctor said she was negative. He also said that this was the ONLY sure diagnosis and she couldn't possibly have celiacs. Well, he took 4 biopsies smaller than the head of a pin from one area in her small intestine. The small intestine is 21 feet-on average-long. He said there is NO way that she can have celiac.

DD quit eating gluten the day after her biopsy and her energy has come back, her fatigue is gone, her joints don't ache any more AND, she hasn't had a stomach ache since she quit. This is the longest she has ever gone without a stomach ache. I feel the proof is in the puddin'.

I found a private lab that tests for celiacs, gluten insensitivity, genetic markers, etc...The test is done at home, no needles, no biopsies and no pain. Insurance will reimburse. I sent for tests for all of us. Their tests are the new gold standard and can find intolerances and allergies in one simple test.

I did some more research and found out that there are several people with celiac that had normal biopsies and that the biopsy is supposed to be taken from several places and up to 20 are to be taken and tested. The disease can be patchy and not in every single area of the intestine. Celiac, gone untreated can cause several autoimmune issues. The three I have been diagnosed with are all listed. It also has a connection to Autism. Since my DD was positive for the genetic marker, I decided that the whole family should be tested. So we will be waiting about a month for the results but in the meantime, DD is doing well.

Now, for the Aspartame. Please, if you are drinking this or ingesting this product, stop now. The FDA says there is no way that it can cause all these problems. If that is true, why did so many of my problems go away since I quit drinking it over a month ago? I rarely get headaches anymore, my joints don't ache as bad, my fatigue is lessened, my energy level is up, I don't fall asleep at the table anymore. Like with my DD stopping gluten, the proof is in the puddin'.

We are going to a 4th of July celebration later, baseball and fireworks. DS is so excited! It is our yearly tradition. Should be fun if the heat leaves us alone. Yesterday, at 4:30pm it was still 110 degrees. UGH. Isn't worth it to style your hair.......maybe a hat day today.....

Happy Holiday and please, designate a driver and be safe.

Zhall

I need to vent-and other things!

2006-06-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

These past couple of weeks have been absolutely INSANE! My DD has not been feeling well. She has had muscle weakness, pain, severe stomach pain and just a host of other symptoms. A friend suggested I look up Celiac disease and I thought-no way, that just aggrevates your stomach.......well she persisted and I researched it. It was like reading DDs medical history. All her symptoms and everything she has ever had troubles with was listed. Her stunted or slowed growth-she hasn't grown since 6th grade, her osteoporosis, her stomach pains, digestive problems her whole life, and many more!

We went to see a GI pede and he ordered a bazillion tests. She is positive for the genetic marker of celiacs so he ordered a biopsy on her small intestine. That was on Tuesday and we will get the results back by next week. Our whole eating styles have to change. They are pretty good already. Mostly fresh fish, chicken and fresh produce but we do like our pasta and wheat breads. We are going to have to learn a whole new way of eating. BUT, the good news is that just adhering to the new diet can make the symtoms reverse. That is such wonderful news.

Now, I want to vent. I was talking to my Mom a few weeks ago and her nosy, meddling neighbor commented to her that since my Dad has been gone nearly two years, that she should take the disability plates off her car. Well, Mom was also issued plates. AND, it is no one's business besides her and her doctors. She is almost 70, has osteoarthritis-that is the one in that your joints desinigrate, and she has fibromyalgia not to mention she can't walk that far. Why does anyone care????? Get a life and worry about your own self. I am so tired of people who go out of their way to put a dig into someone else. For what???? Why do they need to go out of their way to make someone feel bad. Mom said she justs considers the source. I am just glad I wasn't there. I may have said something to her.

OK, enough of that. I am stressed......I am getting away this week and going to a mini art retreat at a friends house in Redondo Beach on Saturday and Sunday. I can't wait. Just us girls, art, food, gossip and stuff that will never leave that house, I am sure! LOL.

On a happier note! I have been diet coke free for almost one month. Yes, I do still miss it but do I feel better???? YES! I haven't had any caffeine or artificial sweeteners in that long. One exeption was at MILs house for father's day celebration, I did put a 1/2 pack of sweet and low in my tea and I really didn't feel too great the next day. I am convinced that aspartame is a poison.

My joints feel better, my headaches are almost gone, my vision isn't as blurry, I am not BLOATED, I didn't even have 'cramps' this month! WOO HOO-that alone is almost worth it. Not to mention that this past cycle was much lighter-sorry to any men who read this! But it's true! I am sleeping better during the night and not falling asleep during the day. The best thing is that I can no longer feel my liver sticking out from below my rib cage anymore. It was swollen for the past couple years. I saw my hepatologist and he was also surprised. He said he doubted it was the diet coke but I told him 'doesn't matter if you are convinced, as long I am!'.

Hopefully, I will continue to feel better and hopefully can start doing some physical rehabilitation and build up some muscle. I have so much muscle waste from the myositis. I am looking forward to being strong again. I would love to go back to school someday. Never to old to learn.

So anyway, please remember, mind your own business and don't judge people unless you have walked in their shoes. Just keep your mouth shut and be nice. That is the moral of my story! So I am not Aesop, so what??

And, AL and CC, 'what me a sap??????' I have no idea what you are talking about!!!! LOL.

XOXZanna<><

my crazy, crazy life.....

2006-06-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

I was recently reminded by AL that I needed to update my blog. She is right. I have been very lax about my posts. That may have something to do with the fact that my life has been insanely crazy.

AL also told me that I needed to say something nice about her.......I will have to ponder for awhile on that one.

Before I forget, I need to do a shout out to my niece HAL. She turned 9 on Saturday. This child is amazing. She is a walking encyclopedia. I truly enjoy her and listening to her brain work. I think she surpassed me in the brain department when she was six. LOL. I love her to death and miss her-and her siblings very much.

Well, today is day 16, no diet coke. The ONLY thing I have drank since quitting is water. Water, something I thought I would not be able to stand to drink all day and now am drinking almost 100 ozs. a day. OK, anyone out there that is hooked on diet coke, caffiene, and aspertame, you must know that since I quit drinking it, I lost 11 pounds (almost 8 the first week), my headaches are much fewer and further between, my joints don't hurt as bad, I am sleeping better at night and my kidneys seem to be working better. AND, my liver used to be swollen and I could feel it under my ribcage and now, I can't. I truly believe that aspartame is a poison and that it has done extreme damage to my body. I am not sure why it took me so long to figure that out but, it was almost harder than quitting smoking, if not right up there. I can't believe I ever smoked. It is a vague memory now. It has been 9.5 years since I quit.

I am so happy to have lost 11 pounds. I feel so much better. It is nice when your breasts stick out further than your stomach! WOO HOO! I still have several to go but my goal is 30 pounds total by the time labor day comes. Then I will set another goal. I like to set them smaller. Fifty just seemed like too much at one time. My DD is my nutritionist. We have been scouring over nutrition books and fitness books. If you read any book in the near future, read 'Eat to live' by Dr. Furman. It is really good and it has enlightened me.

My DH, on the other hand keeps bringing home treats. A couple of weeks ago, it was a tub of Red vines, which was fine because I like twizzler better but our son, eats them like crazy and hides them on his body to sneak to his bedroom to eat them. Now, today, my dear husband brought home drumsticks. Of course, I had enough calories left to use that I could have one and they were calling to me.........so I had to have one. It didn't even taste good. It left a waxy feeling in my mouth and now I have a stomach ache. I told my daughter to remind me how I felt whenever I want junk food.

Oh, AL you are a good listener, even when you want to scream at me and tell me to 'get over it' or 'stop researching medical issues' and all that good stuff, you still make me feel loved and cared about and valued as a person. For that I am thankful.

Now, lets see. My DD is going through testing for Celiacs disease. Basically a food allergy to gluten, casein, wheat, rye, oats and barley. If she has this, it will explain EVERYthing that has ever been wrong with her medically. Now, here's the interesting part-celiac disease is also related to myositis' which I have and liver problems-which I have and fibromyalgia-which I have. It is also associated with autism which our son has been diagnosed with. Now, if this is what my daughter has, I am having us all tested. If this is the dx and we adhere to the new diet, all symptoms can be reversed. I will be so happy when someone can finally tell me why my DD has osteoporosis and has had severe stomach pains her whole life. It would make so many things much clearer.

The kids are done with school pretty soon and I am thrilled. We can sleep in a little bit. DD was accepted into the independant study program for next year. She will be doing her school work at home and report to her school about once a week for only an hour. She is thrilled. She doesn't get into the peer issues that most of the kids are into. She is an old lady stuck in a teens body. She will also be able to graduate a year earlier if she chooses to do so. She is such a talented kid and I see great things in her future. She does start behind the wheel training tomorrow-OMG! I am excited for this new milestone but at the sametime, it just means she is one step closer to leaving the nest and that freaks me out too. Now I know how hard it was on my parents when their kids moved out-well almost. I told her I want her to stay forever, but secretly, her room is all mapped out for my new art studio. One of my art buddies suggested a couple of books for her graduation which are 'living on your own for the first time' and I can't remember the other name she gave me, but it was along the same lines. And a set of luggage! LOL.

Well, I am getting tired. Just want to add one more thing. If you believe in praying, please say a prayer for my brother and his family. They had to move out of the house they are renting. There son was killed 5 years ago by a drunk driver and that is the house he lived in at the time. It is very hard for them to move out of that house. Please pray for their peace at this difficult time.

TaTaForNow
TTFN
Zanna <><

Day 3 NO caffeine

2006-05-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

It is a little tougher today. All I have been drinking is water. I need to have some tea or something! LOL. BUT, the good news is, I lost a total of 7 pounds the first week and I never felt hungry. I couldn't believe it. I had to weigh myself twice. Some days, I had to find something to eat so I could get the minumum calories in.

OK, it is 1am. I tried to sleep. I went to bed and lied there with my eyes wide open......Hate that.

DD passed her permit course so next we go to the dmv for the test-I predict a lot of white knuckles and praying for the next few months....LOL.

Pain wasn't too bad today. I did get out for a few hours with DD. We bought a few things for the house that we needed and got a few bday gifts for nieces and such. Good day all in all.

I am going to try one more time to sleep!

Zhall

Day 2-Zero caffeine

2006-05-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

UGHGHGGH. I realllllly, really want a diet coke. Good thing there are none in the house and that the closest store is about 6 miles away and that gas costs too much to make it worth it to drive to get one......

The new eating is going well. DD and I check up on each other and that is so much help. I have lost about 5 pounds this week. I have been drinking my 8 glasses of water and then some. Today, I am up to 10. I wonder how long it will take for me to not want a diet coke......I am going out tomorrow to the grocery store and I will surely have to get some will power up there! I am taking my DD aka food police though so she will slap my hand! LOL.

Wish me luck!

ZannaH

WHEN YOU SEE ME-great story

2006-05-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

"WHEN YOU SEE ME" When you see me on a "good day"I may look as if nothing’s wrong,But I, myself, am very awareThat the energy won’t last long. You may think that I am lazy,Or I just don’t like to try,Or maybe I am just depressed,When sometimes you see me cry.

You may not understand me,It’s not easy to explain,The struggles that I so often endure,As I live each day in pain. People may offer their opinions,Thinking that I just need some advice,Yet they don’t really comprehend,Although they are trying to be nice.

What for some may be so easy,Is almost impossible to me,But because I may look healthy,Many around me fail to see. Perhaps it seems that I’m sloppy,If I would only take more pride,It’s sad that many don’t stop to see,The person who is inside.

Planning things is so hard to do,With each day uncertain fate,The best that I can do is try,And oftentimes I have to wait. Life can be so stressful,Even when you have your health,Many people cannot even imagine,Giving up their dreams and wealth.

While some people may worry,How to fit everything into each day,Others of us must struggle,To even find a way. So often misunderstood,Some say that is must be "in my head,"Yet there are days that it takes all I haveTo even get out of bed.

You’d think that if one is weary,Then why not just take a nap,But the fatigue at times is so severe,That nothing seems to help. If exercise were the answer,I would just move into a gym,But intolerance and unbearable pain Makes it difficult to stay trim.

That’s alright just take a pill--Medications can always do some good,However, sometimes the effects are far worse,Oh, but how wonderful it would be if I could! Living each day fighting defeat,Knowing that you can’t give up and quit,Even though it gets hard to do,Find ways of accepting it.

I guess it would be a better thing,If there were a little more support,Everyone longs for acceptance and love,As they keep their life in sort. If I could make the world aware,Help them to see things in a new light,Be careful on what they base their view,That they may receive a new insight. Then maybe when someone else comes along,Who is going through something unknown,They may not feel so hopeless and scared,And will know that they’re not alone.

Whether it be a terminal thing,Or something chronic with no known cure,There are many processes that will be faced. In this we can rest assured. The grieving over loss is hard,Whatever the loss may be.What may be just a bump for you,Could seem like a mountain to me.

Everyone responds so differently,We all have our own ways to cope,But the one thing that we must never do,Is believe that there’s no hope. For I faithfully trust in God above,And no matter what the future may bring,I know that He is holding my hand,And He’s in control of EVERYTHING

DS's big step!

2006-05-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

I am sure I have mentioned that my son was diagnosed with high functioning austism a couple years ago. About the time he was dx, my dad also passed away. While we were home for the funeral, he decided that he was wearing black or blue pants, white shirt, denim over shirt, white velcro tennies, and a denim bucket hat-everyday and forever! LOL. So, we didn't fight him. We decided it was his way to have some control in his busy life-changing schools and grandpa dying. Well, this poor hat over the months and gone through so much. He came home one day with a tiny little hole in the top. I sewed it shut. That little hole turned into a HUGE rip. I sewed it again. Then, it ripped right next to the first huge rip. I ended up having to put felt on the whole underside and zig zagging all over the top. It held up for a little while. On Tuesday, he came home with a tear on the front that you could fit your head through!

We sat him down and discussed the fact that a hat really was not necessary. He said he HAD to wear it because he didn't want other kids to see his hair........He has said this before. I told him that none of the other kids wear hats and no one teases them for their hair. We finally had to 'exchange' the hat for a new toy. All he had to do was throw it away and not wear it to school anymore. He got up, walked to the trash and threw it in.

I was sure he would refuse to get on the bus, but he went without a fight! I called the school and told his teacher that he might have a hard day. When I called in the afternoon, he was fine and had been all day! His evening bus driver dropped him off (he has two different drivers) and said 'he needs a hat!' I said 'no, he doesn't', she said 'I didn't know who he was!'. He had never gone to that school without his hat! LOL.

This is an extremely huge step for him. I am so proud of him! He has even agreed to go shopping for shorts-he only wears pants, even when it is 110 degrees out. Keep your fingers crossed! : )

G'night.
Zanna

giving up caffeine......

2006-05-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

My biggest addiction-since I quit smoking 10 years ago has been diet coke-caffeinated! I have quit a couple of times-my pregnancy with our son, and twice when I was on the Atkins diet and the Suzanne Sommers diet. Anyway, my wonderful, beautiful daughter is also a health finatic. I promised her I would quit drinking it after my mom came and left. See, my mom is also addicted and I just couldn't see quitting before she came.

SOOOO, on Monday, I started with a 12 pack and started cutting down. I tapered down to today-Friday when I had only one this morning. You have to understand that I was drinking at LEAST 6 cans a day. Truly addicting. Couldn't get up in the morning without one and was drinking one at the time I went to bed. So, I am done. AND, I did it without any headaches! I feel better. I know that the chemical in there is just as good as poison. Supposedly, it can have terrible effects on your body and muscles, brain function, etc.....and seeing as how I ONLY drank diet coke and nothing else, it should be a no brainer. But, of course, when you are addicted, sense doesn't always apply.

My daughter-the same lovely, beautiful and amazing one, also has me counting calories and eating healthier. I have lost 4 pounds in 4 days. My sister AL who is also a nurse said that my body is releasing all the water that I have been retaining for years due to the diet coke and that it will take a bit of an adjustment period for my body to react properly. That's fine, the outcome should be worth it.

Today is my birthday-number 38. My sister AL, whose bday was last week, also reminded me that I am closing in on 40 by 2 years now. I am excited to be 40. I think I am the only person in my circle who doesn't mind aging. I think when you have so many health issues, you are just so thankful for that additional year under your belt! I don't want my obit to have a low number. I want it to read high! The higher the better.

My sister VS, sent me a funny card, a slam card that said At this age, looking hip can cause you to break a hip! LOL. It had an elderly, pleasantly plump gray haired woman on the front in roller skates! Funny.

Aren't sister great? I have the best of them. My family is pretty much all wonderful.

A sad note-my brother R and his family had to put down their beautiful Anna, their family dog for more than 16 years. She was such a good dog and will be sorely missed.

I think I have had 8 bottles of water today. That is more than I have had in the past year......I am sure of it. PLUS, think of how many art supplies I can afford with the money I am saving on sodas!!!! I knew there was another perk. :-P.

I think I am headed for bed. I am pooped out.

Zhall

American Idol and other stuff!

2006-05-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

I am soooooo tired. Just waiting to put the kids down so I can hit the hay.

We got our new microwave this morning. I am so happy to have a working one again! Then had to go for a haircut and groceries. I like my hair a little shorter and it was getting waaaaayyyy toooooo long!

Came home, tried a new recipe for dinner-bleck! Won't be keeping that recipe! LOL.

Had to take a couple vicodin. Pain is relentless. It always seems to be the worst when I don't get to take a nap.

OK. American Idol drama! I have to tell this story-yes AL, it is about you! My sister calls me last night just as AI is coming on and says (she knows I love Taylor) 'I just wanted to give you my condolences on Taylor's loss'........She is in a different time zone and it was over in her zone when mine was starting. I could not believe my ears that she would ruin the evening for me. After a couple 'you're kidding right?' and her saying 'I thought it was live so we all watched it at the same time'......'NO!'. I literally was crying and couldn't speak, I was so upset! Yes, I am quite emotional this week. I asked her if she was kidding and she said 'I can't tell you that or you will really know.....'. I said 'I would never expect that you would do that....'.

I hung up the phone and watched it anyway. When the winner was announced I wasn't looking because I thought I knew! When I heard 'Taylor Hicks', I screamed 'OGHGHGHGHG She was lying!!!'. So this morning when she called, I told her that I was so upset, I went to bed without watching it and made her believe that I missed it for a half a minute or so. GOTCHA! LOL. She did deserve that though. She did feel bad. She should have! LOL. ;D That was the best AI yet! The Clay Aiken moment was freakin' hilarious! Puck and Pickler was the best. The whole night was wonderful. It was well worth the watch.

So, I am tired, need to go lie down..........

Zhall

UGH

2006-05-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

This week has been bad and more bad. Monday was the longest day of my life. I left the house at 7am and didn't get home until after 4. I could barely walk by the time I got home but the day was not done yet! Still had to chauffer the ballerina to and from class! Thank goodness it is very close. Monday night was definitely a 3 vicodin night.

Tuesday, I woke up with more pain. I had to go back and lie down after the kids left and take some more pain killers. Finally about dinner time on Tuesday, I felt a little relief.

My DD put me on a healthy eating program-I hate the word diet. This is a new lifestyle. She convinced me to plan my meals ahead and count the calories. I was amazed at how much I could eat if I chose my food more carefully. I lost two pounds the first day and wasn't hungry at all. Tonight, I made a balsamic vinegar chicken recipe that I saw on Rachael Ray. It was soooooooooooo good with a half a plate of steamed brocolli, cauliflower, and carrots. It was very good and very filling. I had to make myself eat the whole plate. By the end of the night, I still had 100 calories to find and eat! We are not into starving ourselves so we each have our goal calorie count. She is done losing weight and she looks wonderful. She is just maintaining now. Of course she only had 20 to lose but they were hard. She said her knees are not as sore after dance anymore and she can totally feel the difference.

I know that my weight is really hard on me. My muscles are week anyway and then to have to carry around extra poundage, I am sure is not good on the body. I am setting my goals in 20 pound incriments. It sounds better than to say a big number.

Anyways, today was bad. I got into a huge fight with someone very close to me. I said some horrible things and find myself regretting them immensely. I tried to make better but it seems to be useless so far. I will try again tomorrow. I need to learn to just shut up! LOL. Depressing. Oh well, need some rest. Sleep on it-I am sure I will feel better in the morning.........I hope.......we get our new microwave tomorrow! YAY. It is very weird not having one! The guys from Home Depot are coming to install it in the morning. Woohoo!

Gnight!

Zanna

2 steps forward, 3 steps back....

2006-05-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

That's just the way it feels some days! Well, my side still hurts terribly. I aggrevated the injury the other night when we went out to dinner. The last night my mom was here, we went to Home Town Buffet. I slipped in the bathroom and caught myself on the counter on the side I had injured. I didn't fall to the ground but reacted by screaming. It was a burning searing pain.

My mom left on Wednesday and I am sad. I always am for a few days. It never gets easier to say goodbye. It was strange having her here without Dad and we all felt the void. However, her and I had several heart to heart talks and our relationship grew so much. I have a better understanding for her and her life and the trials she has endured. I am at a place where I can say I hope to be more like her in some ways. She is stronger than I ever thought.

Anyway, my side was hurting pretty bad and it felt like more than just a rib injury. My doctor called today and said that the radiologist looked at the xrays and while he did agree with the broken bone, he also said that there were infiltrates or scar tissue in my right lung. They want me to come back on Monday for more xrays. In the meantime he is putting me on an antibiotic again. He is guessing pnuemonia AGAIN. I am so sick of being sick. I tried giving it all and doing the june cleaver thing and keeping the house spotless and putting in a full day as the house wife extraordinaire and all it did was tire me out so much that I couldn't function for a few days. I have to choose my priorities. My priorities are quality time with my children. The carpet can wait to be vacuumed, the crystal doesn't need dusting. The dirty dish can wait. My kids need love and nurturing and a comfortable place in my heart-a soft place to land.

While my mom was here, we had mother's day and my birthday last Saturday. I love having people over. Brody is more comfortable in his element and I just love hosting. We had paper plates, pizza, hot wings, fruit salad and antipasta. It was lovely. I scored on the birthday money and yes, I did get enough to buy the toy I wanted. I ordered 'The Wizard'. It is an awesome tool that does it all. It does die cutting, dry embossing, flower 'pounding', eyelet setting, and so much more. I am very excited about it. It should arrive here in a few days. It was between that and another die cutter-the Cri cut. The cricut cost a lot more and has just come on the market and I wasn't sure I wanted to drop that much money for something that was brand new. All it does is die cutting anyways. I paid 1/3rd the price for the wizard and it does everything. I think I got the better deal.

Mom gave me one of my dad's sweaters. I was so happy. I loved his sweaters. She also gave me some great stained glass flower bed decor. Very cute butterfly, humming bird and dragon fly on picks that are adjustable. They are just beautiful. Mother's day was just as lovely. I got a phil vasser cd. Yum. Also some philosophy perfumes and gels.

Watched the Will and Grace finale tonight. It was OK. I thought it would be better but it was OK.

American Idol! Wow, Taylor Hicks and Catharine McPhee. I liked both of them from their very first auditions and they are both in the final. I can't wait to see who wins.

Sleep tight!

ZannaH

And they all fall down...........

2006-05-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

This is my art bag! I bought it from my good friend, Vickie Enkoff, www.vickieenkoff.com. When I bought it, it was a natural canvas color. I painted it lagoon blue and stencilled my face on one side. I am planning on journaling the rest of the bag. It has a dozen little pockets to carry all my art stuff for classes and art meetings. My mom is going with me tomorrow for a make it and take it art class. I am excited to go! I will post photos of the bag in it's progression.

I was straightening my son's room on Monday night, anticipating my Mom's arrival the next day. She would be sleeping in his room. I was on my knees and tried to reach for something and fell over landing on my arm. There was a 'pop' and some intense pain. It didn't go away! I tried to suck it up and see if the pain lessened. I just got worse. My Mom and I went to the Doctor on Wed. and sure enough, I broke the number 6 rib on my right side. Of course, that is the side I sleep on.........ugh! And it's in the same spot that my underwire lies on so it is painful to wear my bra....

It is still pretty aweful. I can only describe it as someone sticking me with a hot poker and turning it. We are having a get together for Mother's day and my bday on Saturday. I am so glad my mom is here. She is helping me do so much. My daughter is an angel and has done more than her share, which she always does. I am excited about the todo because we rarely host them.

I am waiting for my pain pills to kick in so I can get to sleep.

I may not be able to post for awhile because my mom is visiting and I really enjoy her company. We will be busy working a jigsaw puzzle.

Tata!

Zhall

really behind.....

2006-05-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

I have been really bad about posting lately. Just too much going on. My Mom is coming tomorrow and I can't wait. Haven't seen her since my Dad passed away nearly 2 years ago. The kids are exstatic.

Tonight while making room for my mom in DS's closet-where I found his stash of candy wrappers.......I fell onto my side and either pulled a muscle or broke a rib. I am leaning more towards the pulled muscle because I can breath without too much pain. When I did break a rib before, I could barely take a breath without pain.

I started going back to art classes at my favorite little stamping store-A Little Bizaar. That was nice. I met a new lady and we became fast friends. I am taking my Mom this week.

Today, ran errands and went to Sam's club. By the end of my shopping experience there, I can hardly pull the cart, it's so heavy. By the time I got home, I could barely walk.

I have been sleeping much better at night and less during the day. I still take an occasional nap in the mornings but never more than a couple of hours. I am getting outside more and the fresh air feels so good. The weather is actually pretty nice. Not too hot and not raining! The heat makes me sick. I can't stand being in it for even a few minutes. It makes me feel like a wet noodle. With an autoimmune disease, your body temperature is funky. I don't get fevers either. Well, I do but not high. My normal temp runs around 96.7/8 so when I am 99, I have a fever and probably some kind of infection. Seems that a lot of women in the support group I am in, have the same issues. Very weird. If I get too cold, it takes me hours to get warmed back up. Have to use an electric blanket to even feel relief and usually my heat pad.

Anyways, gotta go. Can't be up late.....

Gentle hugs,
Zhall <><

feel the burn....

2006-05-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

I am scared to go back to the gym after last time! I know it is necessary but I was hurting so bad......I talked to my doctor about it and we came to an agreement so I am going back.

My son and I jumped on our tampoline today! I haven't done that in years! It felt so good to be out in the fresh air playing with him. I can't lift my legs to bounce but we stood facing each other and held hands and he bounced enough for both of us. He was giggling and laughing! It was pretty fun. I walked around the perimeter of the trampoline several times. It is a good resistance to walk on it! My legs are burning tonight. Hopefully it wasn't too much for me. Tomorrow will tell!

I have some art and other stuff to post on ebay-need to get that done so I can save up my $$$$ for a new 'toy' that I want! My mom is coming to visit for a week in 5 days! I am very excited. I haven't seen her since my dad passed almost 2 years ago. She and I both love crafts so I am going to take her to a class with me. She did some staming recently and really liked it so hopefully this will be fun for her. We also are going to celbrate my bday a couple weeks early and mothers day so she can be here for it! I don't remember the last time I celebrated my bday with my mom.

DS read 2 books tonight with very little help from me. He did so good! I was so proud of him.

DD is working so hard in toe ballet. I can't wait until her recital! She is getting so good at it.

I have been doing pretty well with my days and nights. I still sometimes take a nap in the morning but not nearly as much as before. I am getting to bed at a decent hour too so that helps!

My art muse finally came back to me and I have been really busy crafting! It feels good to get the ol muse back! I am really trying to work in a little art time each day. That is hard when I am not in the mood but once I start at it, I have a hard time leaving it.

Time to hit the hay!

Gnight

ZannaH

Nadine

2006-04-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

I would like everyone who reads tonight to please stop and say a prayer or send a good vibe to the west coast for a woman named Nadine. She is in my myositis group. She has other overlapping syndromes that have caused her to be on life support and bedridden for years. She is only 30. She signed do not resussitate papers yesterday. She had one hope left for a drug that has not been approved to treat our diseases, but it is used for the treatment of these diseases and has been used with wonderful results. Her insurance declined. It was her last hope. Her doctor is going to appeal. I just pray that she can hold on that long. It breaks my heart but also makes me think just how fragile life is and that these diseases can be fatal.

The problem with rare diseases such as these is that drug companies get paid big money to do research and find drugs for diseases that are more common. If they find a treatment, they make money. If they do research and try to find a treatment for something rare, like we have, they won't make as much money off the drug because there aren't as many people that will need it. Sad, but true......None of the drugs currently used to treat what ails me, were invented for this. Then, they have to go through approval to be used on them. It is an awful business. It is a business to make money and not to make people well. If it was to make us well, it wouldn't cost 3 times as much here as it does in other countries. Why do they charge that much??? Because insurance will pay-if it is approved.

I am very much upset that this woman is minutes from death and her insurance won't approve this treatment. She cannot afford it. It is quite expensive. This is very frustrating.

Please if you do one thing today-please send good thoughts, vibes, prayers for Nadine.

Hugs to all,
Zanna

the aftermath of the workout.....

2006-04-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it was about 4 full days before I could walk without excruciating pain from just 20 minutes on a freakin tread mill! LOL. I am going to try and go back and just go for 5 minutes and then work up by 1 minute each week. I have to start getting active. These diseases are frustrating in themselves, let alone being on prednisone and immunosuppresants.

I am really down this week. I think I could cry over just about anything, no AL that is not normal for me! Well, not entirely normal. I am a 'tad' emotional at times.........

I have been in contact with an old friend from high school. We actually went from grade school to graduation together and we haven't spoken since before my 16 year old was born. It has been some time. She has a beautiful family too. I am so glad to know that she is well and happy.

I have been having a pity party here. I am just NOT happy. I need to make some lifestyle changes! DD and DH have been going to the gym together. I think it's wonderful but I feel a bit left out....

I am adding a few pictures I did of postcards for a swap I am in. Then off to bed.....

Oooops-few more things

2006-04-18T23:09:00.000-07:00

American Idol-I cannot believe that Mandisa got sent home so early! I really don't understand that! I also cannot understand why Ace is still there. He is boy band all the way, not an independant idol! UGH!

Another rant-a child at a school in a neighboring city, got in trouble for having a bandana with the American flag hanging out of her back pocket! HUH??????? They said that she was showing disrespect by 'wearing' a flag. I am sure it is some political reason that they asked her to remove it. When she refused, she was suspended. Amazing! We can't show our pride????? What in the world is it proving to suspend someone for this. GOOD GRIEF!

Stepping down now....

Zhall

What a workout!

2006-04-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I have been on antibiotics for a while and am past the pnuemonia, my daughter and I decided to go to the community gym. Now, keep in mind, I have been sick for over 7 years and on prednisone just as long. I have not worked out since then because my muscle enzymes were too elevated. DD is very physically fit and active. She keeps our kitchen running like a health food store. I used to walk and ride bike almost everyday before my dx and was in pretty good shape. ANYways.

I decided that I would do the treadmill for 20 minutes. I started very slow and with no incline. I did a whole 20 minutes! I was so excited. It only worked out to .33 miles but that is a great accomplishment for me! I hope I can keep doing it and not get too over tired. My legs hurt tonight but it is a good hurt. My daughter was proud of me. She did 1/2 hour and over mile at her speed. She then did the bike for another 20 minutes. I brought along my Dr. Phil book to read. She is a dancer and quite slim and very low body fat. She is amazing. She is so supportive of me and was very happy for me that I did 20 minutes. It may not seem that remarkable to too many people but when you have a hard time walking up a few steps, it is amazing!

One of my favorite quotes is 'the longest journey starts with just one step'. I kept telling myself that.

I am off to bed....

Zhall

my lastest projects

2006-04-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

This is a mini round tin. It is for a altered tin swap titled 'in the garden'. The first is the tin open, second is the tin closed and the third photo is of seed shakers that I made out of slide mounts. I had fun with this. The embellishments were stamped on shrink plastic and shrunk and then glued on.

The past few weeks..........

2006-04-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, the past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. I was having horrible headaches on only one side of my head. The easiest way to explain it was like having a toothache. I made an appt. with my GP. My Dad died from brain cancer almost 2 years ago. He lost a sister to brain cancer and another sister to benign brain tumor so this headache had me very worried. Doc ordered an MRI stat and put me on antibiotics. He thought it was sinusitis causing the headaches.

I went back one week later. The MRI is normal but did show sinusitis. Doc checked my blood counts and my whites were way up, which signifies an infection but also can point to luekemia. I had been on antibiotics for one week so he asked me if I had ever been screened for cancer. Wonderful thing to say to a person with paranoia! He switched my antibiotics and wanted me to come back in 2 days. Two days later, my counts were down but he still couldn't figure out what caused the odd reading. He checked my lungs again but didn't detect anything. So, he sent me for a lung xray. I had pnuemonia! I had been feeling really tired and extra weak lately but never would have guessed that I had pnuemonia. He ordered me 10 more days of antibiotics and rest. I felt better by the weekend. He said those infections can be sneaky sometimes! I guess so. I guess the fact that I couldn't finish chewing a whole mouthful of food with out resting, should have been a clue.

During this whole time, I was having some personal issues to deal with and not dealing with them well. I did have a few conversations that made me feel much better about things and with a renewed faith of moving forward.

So, now I just need to find my artistic muse again! That darn muse disappears at the most un-opportune times! Like now, when I have 10 projects to finish yesterday!

Got an email from my SIL. Their brand new baby great-niece was dx with Cystic Fibrosis. Please remember this precious baby in your prayers, as well as her parents and family.

Need to get some sleep!

Zhall

Protests in So. Cal

2006-03-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

Many of you have probably heard about the protests and school walk outs in So. Cal this past week. This is absolutely inane. There is a bill trying to be passed that would make it a felony to be an illegal alien. SO, all the kids are protesting this bill and walking out of school. Thousands and thousands of high school students left school and marched with flags or signs or just chanting.

OK, here is my opinion and please no cyber tomatoes and I make no apologies for my opinion. What doesn't anyone understand about the illegal in 'illegal alien'. If you are here illegally, you should not have the same rights that anyone has who is here legally. Plain and simple. Whether it makes it a felony or not, it is already against the law to be here illegally. The only thing wrong with it, is that the laws are not being upheld. So, these kids who think that they are making a stand for something are the same kids whose parents came to America so their children could have a better life and a better education but then turn around and let them skip school to make a point that should not be an issue. I think it is ridiculous and I feel the laws should be upheld.

I am not racist. I have no problem with people coming to America legally. What I have a problem with is people who come illegally and want the same rights as those that did it right in the first place.

I am stepping down off my soapbox now....

Zhall

Longer weekend!

2006-03-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it almost the whole week with sleeping at night at staying awake during the day-what a concept! Friday I fell asleep for a couple hours during the day. Friday afternoon, I headed up to RN's with DS and we had dinner and the kids played. We had a nice time but I was hurting by the time we got home. DS was a little 'wild'. I went bed and slept for 12 hours.

Saturday I woke up and got ready to go to my friends house for our monthly art meeting where we made the screen prints from the previous post. I went home, went to bed and slept another 12 hours. Today, I took it really easy. DD babysat and DS played with his pirates and GI joes all day. My legs, hips and thighs are killing me right now. I tried tylenol but think I am going to have to follow it with a vicodin chaser.

My MIL took the kids to see the shaggy dog on Saturday. They both loved it. I am glad they all spend time together. She is really a good grandma. I am so happy for that.

I am getting sleepy and since I am up past my new bed time, I need to get going.... : )

Zhall

Today's art projects

2006-03-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today I went to our monthly art meeting at my friends house. Her daughter took pictures of all of us and made them into black and white photos. Then we put that photo under some clear transparency paper and cut out all the black areas with exacto knives. Then put the stencil over fabric and printed our faces on the fabric. There were 8 of us, so we each did 8 prints. We are going to embellish them and string them on rope or yarn and they will be our prayer quilts.

This is the one I made today:

These were really fun to do even though I was a little negative about it in the beginning, thinking I could not possibly make it good enough. I really like how it turned out.

The next picture is a book mark I made to send to a friend.

I need to get off to bed. I am very tired and having a lot of lower back pain. Despite all the pain killers I took. Ughgh.

The joys of aging......

2006-03-21T23:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I will ever get my sleep patterns back to normal. It is really hard.......I try so hard to stay away during the day, but to no avail.....

I have to say, I belong to several support groups on line but one of the best ones is my FM group. These ladies are so loving, caring, supportive and just plain wonderful. We were talking about the lovely things that come with aging.......you know the point when gravity takes over and never stops! We were talking about how you never look in the mirror naked-especially women. Men-they flaunt themselves all over the place, stop to pose in the mirror flex their muscles, etc.....women get undressed in the bathroom and make a mad dash for the shower with the lights off! LOL. One of the ladies said that your mirrors should go up one inch for every year older you get until it is just to you chest and never lower. I mentioned how that wouldn't work because your chest gets lower every year, and the mirror would have to get lower too, to stay below your chest!

From there, the talk went to the lovely underarm flab. I once heard a comparisn to a flying squirrel in drag! How your arm doesn't stop waving even though you have stopped! One of the ladies in our group mentioned that she now waves like the Queen of England, with her upper arm next to her body and her hand just moving (like the parade queen's wave). She didn't want to hurt anyone!

Isn't aging fun?????? How about when you lie back and your face looks as though you have had a face lift but your breasts are in your armpits! LOL.

I just got done voting for the American Idol contestants. It is so hard this year. I want Taylor Hicks, Mandisa, and Paris to all win! I like Kellie too but not quite as much as those 3. Taylor Hicks just has a way of making everyone smile. It is amazing. The girls are such powerful singers. So amazing. It is going to be a hard decision this season! I think, Bucky, Lisa, or Kevin will go home next......

That's all for tonight.....

Zhall

It's not a character flaw.

2006-03-20T00:03:00.000-08:00

First off, I just want to make something clear. I started the web log to raise awareness. I don't want sympathy, just to make people aware. These diseases are invisible. People don't understand. Heck, I don't even understand.

Please do not confuse the symptoms of my disease as character flaws. I am tired, I am not lazy. I had a hard time getting up today, I am not lazy, just tired. My house isn't always clean, I am not lazy, my body hurts to even lift my arms. I might be late for something because I had a hard time getting ready to go, not because I am a flake. I care tremendously for my children. I am a good mom, but I don't wait on them hand and foot because I am tired and sore. I also would like to believe that I am raising children with a sense of independance. I don't ever want either of them to think that they are here to be served!

There are many diseases that people mistakenly say, 'they aren't sick, they just don't want to work'. Oh, I would like to work. I loved my job. I also had to talk myself into getting up everyday and getting to work on time or trying to think of another reason I was going to be late. I took long lunches and breaks and tried to explain to my bosses that I had to go to the doctor on my lunch (my boss was extremely forgiving). I left a little early becuase my legs hurt so bad they were just near numb. It hurt to even brush my hand on my legs, God forbid I lose my balance and walk into a table-trust me, I did it often and had the bruises to prove it.

I would sit in my car and cry from pain in the parking lot before I left. I didn't want anyone to see my weakness. I then went to pick up both my children from different places and then home to make dinner and help with homework and to all the parenting things. I had to let other things slide. The bathtubs and showers weren't always I clean as I would have wanted them to be. I wasn't lazy, I just couldn't get up from a kneeling position. I wasn't lazy, just too darn tired.

I could go on forever on the same rant. BUT, I am tired!-not lazy! Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my kids now. I would have preferred that it had been my choice though and not a 'have to' situation. I wanted my daughter to see that women could be strong and be in the lead in a career situation. It is hard to teach that when you can't do it anymore. But, the simple fact of the matter is, I couldn't handle 'having it all'. I loved, loved, loved my job. My health required more rest than the job afforded. Now the time I am with my children is quality time and not rushed. I am not as stressed, I am more laid back. I feel a 'little' better.

Yesterday, got up around 1pm, went to dinner with DH, and tried to sleep last night and just couldn't. I laid in bed for hours and finally at 5am decided to go get the paper and take my morning meds. I didn't even get tired until a little after noon. By the time I took a nap it was about 24 hours that I had been up. I got a nap, and now, when I should really be tired, am WIDE awake again.

I really wish there was a way to get my body clock back in working order.

Zhall

What are we here for?

2006-03-18T23:51:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder that? I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe we are all here for some purpose. I beleive our lives were planned and mapped out before we were a glimmer in our parents eyes.

I sometimes wonder why I won the autoimmune lottery. I have wondered if there is some lesson I was to learn by this. Well, I realize how short life is. I know what a gift every day is. I treasure my family as if they were gifted to me. I have a renewed faith in God. I know I did some really STUPID things as a teen and an early twenty-er. So how long until you learn the lesson. I mean, really how much pain can there be for one lucky person??? : ) Today was especially bad. I couldn't sleep last night, despite going to bed at a decent hour, and then slept until 1:30pm. DH took me to Stewart Andersons Black Angus for dinner. YUMMY. We had a filet mignon dinner for two. You get an appetizer platter, salads (we could have stopped here), bread, dinner, and hot fudge mountain cake. We took home half our appetizers, half the bread and most of our steak and the cake-sans the hot fudge and ice cream. When I went to stand to walk out, my legs were so wobbly. I need to just always use my cane. I left it in the car tonight. I had a hard time walking out. We stopped at Lowe's. Not ONE employee in site! ARGHGH. Walked around most of the store just looking for restrooms and furnace filters!!! The life of a married couple. When we were dating, we went from dinner to a movie or for after dinner drinks.

We both commented on the fact that neither of us even have a desire to drink anymore! It isn't worth the way it makes you feel. DH said that if he was going to, he would go just for the shot and get right to the good part! LOL. Too be young again.....to be of good health again!

Sometimes I dream that I have run a marathon. I wake up for a split second thinking-wow that was exhilerating! I always wanted to run one......not sure why, but I always wanted a runner's body, zero body fat, tight muscles, a six pack-instead of a keg........My sister AL said she was going to run one and I asked her for me and she said yes.....so AL, when you gonna run??? I can make you a great shirt with ZANE on it........she calls me that-only she calls me that-get it?? LOL.

I am still full from dinner.....ugh! That was 3 hours ago! Maybe four hours.......DH was saying tonight that he is so fed up with traffic and the population down here that maybe when we retire-or before, he may want to move out of state.....WOW. He has never talked like that before. It won't be for awhile. Several years. AND, DS wouldn't go without his Grandma so we would have to have room for them too! He said he is moving in with Gma anyway! LOL.

Well, time to try to go to bed.....I am sure I will be up again.....

Tata!

Zhall

2006-03-14T00:23:00.000-08:00

The prints on this canvas were done by my very talented 8 year old niece. She carved the turtle stamp herself and then printed 4 off them and water colored them. She then used different decorative scissors to trim them and then, she sent them to me! I am stunned at her talent! I painted the canvas to match the colors in her prints by using the credit card technique. The CC technique is just dropping blobs of paint on a canvas and spreading with a credit card! That is the only way I use credit cards anymore!

I also decoupaged her letter to the back of the canvas so I can cherish it for years to come. When I get my own art studio room, it will be one of the first pictures to go up-right after the one my DD did when she was seven!

I am feeling a little better today. I slept until 1:30pm. I really wish I could get a grip on my sleeping patterns. Tomorrow, I need to go out and run some errands and work on our tax stuff-yuck! I hate tax season. Glad we usually get money back but hate getting everything organized. This is one area that DH and I agree that I need to work on! I was never taught how to be organized growing up. It is so hard to learn these traits. Some have told me that most artists/creative people are not as organized as other people. Well, I guess that makes me feel better, but I look at my MIL and SIL who are both super organized and am jealous! LOL. I did finally finish organizing my art area and that feels good but the funny thing is that once I got done, my muse left and I had a creative block! I am going to make myself do a little painting or art of some kind each day!

I have been so forgetful lately. I don't know why. It sometimes scares me. I know it is part of the liver disease but sometimes I feel like I am having early onset alzheimers. I have the worst paranoia of certain things. When I first got sick and wasn't dealing with this well, I used to sit up as long as I could at night. I was afraid that I would die in my sleep so I was afraid to sleep. I know it all sounds a little crazy but it was a real fear.

Speaking of fears. The worst one I have is of flying. I used to be fine about it when I was younger. Now, I have to be medicated to even get on the plane and still, last time had an anxiety attack. I had to have the stewardess come over and talk me through every thing. I imagine a plane as a big metal coffin hurteling through the air. Why do I get so paranoid? I think it got worse after the kids came along. I figure, with all the health problems I have, I better not die in a plane crash! That would seem fair, wouldn't it??? LOL. This summer, I have a class reunion, Gma 90th bday, and my brothers 50th bday. They are all three in different months! I am not going to go home for any of them. My mom is coming out in April and that makes me so happy! I will enjoy it immensely.

I am starting to feel sleepy.....ugh! I hope it lasts! LOL.

Take care,

Zhall

why????

2006-03-13T01:02:00.000-08:00

I heard on the news tonight that another newborn baby was found dead. I just don't get it! What is going through this kid's mind (I say kid because I cannot visualize an adult doing this) that makes them think that this is the only option. To take a life is the only option???? Or, are they just being selfish and cruel and don't care???? It saddens me to the core that this still happens when there is a safe haven law that permits babies to be dropped off at any hospital or firestation with no questions asked. It makes me look at my children differently. I makes me feel bad for all the times I had been angry with them. I was getting so frustrated with my son tonight and counting the minutes until bed time so I could have some peace and quiet and then the news comes on and I hear this. I felt guilty for being frustrated with my son! I know it's normal and sometimes you just get frustrated but gosh, I would take any baby from anyone that didn't think they could do it and take them to the hospital for them! I just can't stand the thought that someone gave birth and placed thier newborn precious baby girl in a plastic bag and left her to die out in the cold.

It still shocks and numbs me that people can do this. What must be going through the mind of that mother to do that???? There will never be a good enough answer to justify that horrific crime! I will pray for all young moms tonight to think before they act. I will always tell my children that nothing in their lives can make me hate them and that they can come to me with ANYthing. After I graduated, a couple of boys broke into the high school and committed some vandalism. One of them went home and committed suicide because he was afraid his parents would be mad at him if he got caught. I make sure my children know that nothing is worth taking your life for and that there is nothing they need to be afraid to talk to me about.

Thats my rant for the day....

Zhall

'but you look good'

2006-03-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

This continues to be my biggest peeve. I know people mean well-the majority of people anyways......other people are thinking 'she looks good, she isn't really sick'........Yes, I choose, to sleep my days away, I choose to miss important events in my childrens lives, events in my family's lives......etc.......Trust me, I don't. When my DD was small, we walked or rode bike everywhere, went to the park all the time, the zoo, and more. Now with my son, I have to think about everything I do. When he was small, he had a tendancy to run away from me. I could no longer run, so we had to stay in our backyard or in the house. I rarely went anywhere alone with him-not to mention, I couldn't lift him.

People still think that if you are as young as me, you can't possibly be sick or need a cane. WRONG. I am not in a wheelchair so I must be fine, I am not wearing a cast or a brace or splint so I must be healthy. NOT SO. I have what they call an invisible disability. Actually I have several of them. I walk around my house without my cane. Why? Because it is a level surface and I can sit when ever I need to. I take my cane out with me when I go because I don't know when I will have to climb some steps (some do not have handrails) go up an incline or step up a curb. Or lose my balance or trip over my own feet because shoes do make my legs heavier and sometimes I just need the cane to lean on.

People think that because I was able to 'look nice', I am healthy. Wrong again! The time it takes me to get my hair done and makeup on, makes me ready for a nap. About once a week, maybe twice, I get out to do some errands and someone will always point out 'but you look good'. We all know what that means. As if make up and hair spray can make a person healthy. They don't know that this is my only 'good' day of the week, the only day that I had enough energy to get up, get ready and drive the car. I have been dozing off while driving lately so really try to get a lot of rest if I have to go somewhere or stay nearby my neighborhood.

One time I almost died from internal bleeding. I refused a transfer-I would take one now-I didn't feel like almost myself until 6 months later. I lost nearly half my blood supply. I went in to my work to take care of some papers. My boss, who was shorthanded and not happy, said 'well, you look fine.....'. Uh, yeah, today! I lost half my blood a week ago! I ended up having 6 weeks off. Still very tired. I don't think I ever totally recovered from that before being diagnosed with my first muscle disease.......

Life is funny. We all have our cross to bear. I have several. I have had other people say 'well, you seem happy for dealing with all this'. That wasn't always the case. The first dx scared the hell out of me. Until a friend said 'well, just give up then-quit living'. Made me realize that I did have a life! Why sit and cry about it? It is just what it is and that's it. Make the best of it.......then with my last dx last fall, I did go into a depression. For about 2 weeks, I stayed in bed. I was scared again. I didn't want to face this one. This one could kill. This disease had fatalities. This one really scared me. I researched it and talked to my doctor. It could take years to kill a person and then, maybe not ever. I found out that I could live a normal life to a normal 'old age'.

It is all about choices. Don't get me wrong. I am not Tom Cruise and I think he is full of it when he says that if you want to be happy, you can be happy! That's not necessarily true. People have chemical imbalances. I do take an antidepressant/anti anxiety. I have always had problems with depression and anxiety. I wish I had taken meds earlier in life. BUT, there are circumstances where you do need to decided that you will not be smothered, but rise above and not be a victim. This is what I had to do.

I have lost many friends that couldn't or wouldn't deal with this. They got tired of me 'flaking' on them. I cannot make too many plans because I end up cancelling 1/2 of them. I have a hard time understanding why people can't understand. I have some family who doesn't get it and some of them have their own health issues. But, for the most part, my family and close friends are very supportive and understanding. That helps with healing.

If you have a friend with a chronic illness, give them a break once in awhile.

Gnight
Zhall

The case of the missing meds......

2006-03-10T00:54:00.000-08:00

Somehow, I misplaced my vicodin. I keep it hidden-for reasons I choose not to divulge on line-and hid it in a new place and forgot where.......for two days, I tore the house upside down looking for it and finally found it this afternoon and what a 'duh' moment that was!

Yesterday, I picked up my friends kids at school. She has a herniated disc and had to get a shot in the next county so I picked them up, ran some errands and then we all went to pick up DS at his school. He was so happy to see us! Her kids are really good for me. It was nice to see them again. I was so tired though by the end of the day, I fell asleep at 11pm and besides the hour I was up to get DS off to school, I slept until 1pm. I had so much pain last night. I laid down to go to bed and started shaking so bad I thought I was having a seizure. Then it would stop and start again. Weirdest thing. It went on for about 10 minutes. Then I must have fallen asleep. I slept so good too and without my vicodin for the pain. I did take some Tylenol pm. That stuff works really well. Nice to know that I don't always have to use vicodin. But, I was very relieved to find it!

I am organizing my art and sewing areas. That stuff really took over the past year. I didn't realize how much I had. I decided it was time to get real. I don't have the room in this house for all the things I had. I am going through it and telling myself that if I haven't used it and don't see a specific project I could use it in, it is time to go.......this is a very difficult thing for me but I am up to 8 bags to good will, one bag to DS school, and a big laundry basket full of stuff that I took to my monthly art meeting for the freebie box. I still need more room! LOL. I have things organized and have a better idea of what I have now. I actually got some art done today. That felt good. My niece send my some pictures that I believe she watercolored. I put them all on one canvas. Someday when I have my own art room, I am going to hang them up.

I need to go through my rubber stamps and magazines and books and thin them out. That is going to be the most difficult-those are the three things I have a weakness for and parting with them is going to be tough but it is for a better good. I am going to sell the stamps and hopefully buy some ink pads that I really want-and will use!

Anyway, I feel better that I am clearing out and I can really find things now. I just need to get the rest of the houes in order at the same time. I feel like though, I get one area done, then another and another, and by the time I get back to the first it needs to be done again. I move so slow anymore that I can't get it all done at once. I used to work full time, have a pretty clean house and manage the family......wow. I sometimes feel that the diseases I have were a sign for me to slow down. It worked. I am much slower now....LOL.

Off to beddy bye....

Please remember in prayers a cyber friend of mine and her family who are in desperate need of a place to live and their disability to be approved in KS.

And another friend in KY whose BIL died unexpectedly at the age of 40.

hugs,
Zanna

wadda weekend!

2006-03-06T00:31:00.000-08:00

Ha. I got to go to an art meeting at my friends house yesterday. We made beads out of fabric and paper and some of us carved stamps. I didn't accomplish anything but to visit. I really enjoy the social part of the meetings. Next meeting we are making purses out of bras. That should be really interesting! I need to visit a discount rack and pick up some bras for that.......mental note.

I came home last night is so much pain that I read the mail, straightened up the kitchen and went to lie down with vicodin and a heat pad....I didn't wake up until one pm when my daughter had her stereo up a 'tad' high......my head was pounding to the beat of her stereo. My back is still sore but I did manage to get some paperwork done and finished up organizing some more stamps. I need to get rid of more. I just have too much for the space I have.

DS is sick and will most likely stay home tomorrow so we will probably spend the day on the couch! DD wants to stay home too....NOT! LOL. She will be on independant study next year so home all the time.......her and I may take an art class together this summer at the community college.

I am falling asleep at the computer so need to go to bed while the going is good....

Zhall

Two AM and all's well!

2006-03-04T02:18:00.000-08:00

I promised myself I would go to bed by midnight! Good intention gone bad....I am on an organizing binge......I am finally finding the strength to get rid of art supplies that I forgot I had and never intend on using! I am not sure why I thought I had to have some of the things I had....I don't remember buying them and when I looked at some of them, had no idea why I even bought some of them. I went through my papers and every paper that I saw and said 'eww' to, I got rid of. I am taking them to my art meeting tomorrow for the freebie box.

I am about 1/2 way done organizing my rubber stamps so that I can find them easier. I can't believe how much STUFF I had. I look at it and am trying to figure out why, why, why I felt the need to hoard all of it. If it was on sale, I had to buy it. Never knowing what I was going to use it for, but it was on sale.....I used to have a shelf in my closet that I piled with everything on sale. The thought was that I could give them as gifts-but to who??? Every time a gift occasion came up, I still went out shopping to buy something.....I no longer have that shelf. I haven't used a credit card since the beginning of January. They are all paid off.

I made a loaf of white bread today in the bread machine but added maple syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon, and walnuts. It tastes pretty good but I am thinking more cinnamon and sugar next time. It would be REALLY tasty as french toast.....Hmm.

Now I am getting hungry.....need to go to bed. I don't want to miss the art fun tomorrow...

nighty night!

Zhall

Oh, health wise-still feeling a little flu-ish, in the tummy but not as bad as the past few days. Pain was minimal today. I went to bed at a decent hour last night and only had an hour and a half nap. I should have went to bed tonight at the same time. My hips and lower back were a little sore today but not nearly as bad as the usual. That is a good feeling.

3 out of 4 ain't bad!

2006-03-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

I predicted 3 of the 4 american idol's that went home. I am surprised that Gideon is still there but he won't be for long. I think there may be 3 girls in the top 3. It is going to be tough.

I am just glad to see Brenna go home. Something about her that I didn't like. She seemed very phony.

I am sick still with flu symptoms. It is getting really annoying. Third time in what, 2 weeks or so????? It is an awful feeling.

Well, I did it. I went through my fabrics and my book making cupboard and got rid of 3 garbage bags and one laundry basket. I can't live like that anymore. I didn't even know what I had. It was awfu. Why do I have this tendancy to hoard things????? It isn't necessary.......I am going through my art closet next and then to finish organizing the rubber stamps and getting rid of some.... that will be hard....but worth it.

Gnight
zhall.

living with CHRONIC illness and other RANTS!

2006-03-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

I capitalized it because I feel like it is just taking over sometimes......CHRONIC. What does that mean? FOREVER, NEVER-ENDING, RELENTLESS.........I am just TIRED. Tired of being tired. Tired of sleeping my days away, tired of getting tired from doing a load of dishes. Tired of being afraid to let people in my house because it is never as clean as I want it to be. Tired of not being the wife and mom I always wanted to be. Tired. Just tired. I am tired of saying I'M TIRED!!!!!!! People don't want to hear it all the time. Most the time I just say I am fine, so I don't have to bore people.......I am tired of smiling all the time when I am out and letting people believe I am fine. I just want to scream-"NO, I'M NOT FINE-I FEEL LIKE CRAP, JUST TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE EVENING"......

I heard a comparison once as to what it would feel like to burn in Hell for eternity. Imagine you are on a beach and every day, an eagle comes and takes away ONE grain of sand. He does this every day for a million days. There are still millions and millions of grains of sand left. It will never stop. That is eternity. After hearing that, it made working to get to Heaven that much more important! LOL. I just want to get through the gates. I don't need wings, nothing special, just through the doors to be reunited with all my loved ones that have gone before me. My sister says her daughter's halos are on a 'little crooked'. That's too funny! I guess mine is too! LOL. It is getting straighter as the years go by. I can only be so thankful that I survived the years that I strayed. If I had been killed then, I surely would not have gone to Heaven. I am so greatful that I had time to repent and change my ways. I can only imagine what Heaven is like but I do know that my Dad is there, my niece, my nephew, my Grandma and Grandpas and so many friends and other relatives that I am so anxious to see again someday.

My son today told me that I am the best mommy. He wanted to watch a movie at bedtime when he said it, but sucking up or not, I'll take it when I can get it! I marvel at him everyday. He is making tiny strides everyday and everyday his behavior gets better and better. He is really a good boy. My DD went to a music thing for church tonight. They teach and learn musical instruments to each other. She really enjoys it and she gets to see her boyfriend so she is happy!

The news tonight said 'tests were done to show how dangerous brittney's drive with baby on her lap really was'......DUH!!!! I said that then, so did anyone with common sense, but someone actually had to spend money to test this?????????? They could have just given me the money. I knew it was stupid and dangerous! I also would have gotten ticketed for doing the same thing. I wonder if 'ol Britt got one???? I seriously doubt it.....

Ohhhhh, I am a total American Idol fan. I cannot decide who I like the best on the girls. I have liked Katharyn McPhee every since her first audition. I love Kelly Pickler. She is so cute! I also just love Paris, Mandesa, and Robin. I know there is one more......I cannot stomach Brenna! Ugh.....she seems to put on a front. I don' t like the way she 'poses' and comes off trying to be 'all that'. She is just driving me nuts. I wonder if she has just never known real love, from a parental figure or otherwise. She seems to be reaching.

The guys are great this year too. I wish they would have a guy and girl each season. It is going to be very tough. I like half of them too.....I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Taylor Hicks. He is so genuine and so unique and I love his 'way'.... Just a neat guy.

My predictions for next week to be voted off are: Brenna and Heather. For the guys, Gideon and Sway.

I like Randy, but I am growing tired of 'dawg' and Paula is adorable but she needs to say a little 'less' about each person and Simon, well, Simon is Simon and isn't all bad. Most of what he says is true. People that I know critisize him for the way he talks to people at the auditions. OK, for real. Come on. If you had to listen to 5,000 people in 2 days and could only find 10 that could carry a tune, would you not get irritated too?????? I don't know why most of these people think that they can sing......Do you not listen to yourself???? People do me a favor, tape yourself first and play it back. You might be shocked......If I went on and tried to sing, there is no doubt in my mind that he would rip me apart-and he should!!!!

Have I mentioned how proud I am of my children???? They are the best. My husband? He works long hours and still runs errands on his way home from work.

Health notes:
A lot of pain today again. This time in hips, thighs, upper and lower back, right arm and fingers (?) weird....must be going to rain. I had chronic diarrhea this evening. So bad it made cry. I don't know if it is a symptom of one of the diseases, a side effect of the meds or just another bout of the flu.......

Had to resort to vicodin again and took IB throughout the day. DS gets to sleep in our room tonight because he earned it. He loves having 'sleepovers'. Though, he brought 15 stuffed animals with him and didn't save much room for mommy! Daddy is asleep in his favorite chair already. I just love it when everyone is home and safe and happy.

I haven't talked to my Mom in awhile. I need to call her tomorrow. I am getting home sick and no, to my sisters, that doesn't mean I am on my way home.....

I do need to pay some bills an try to go to bed.

Zhall ><> (I stole that from my friend M.Y.)

Altered artist

2006-03-01T03:04:00.000-08:00

I signed up for a swap of atcs (artist trading card) in which we were to do an altered artist theme. I chose my head on a butterfly body because when I dream, I forget about my illness. When I dream, I can walk, run, fly, and dance. When I dream I have no pain. The words on the body say 'in my dreams I fly, in my dreams there is no pain'.

Zhall

An Ode to me......

2006-03-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

My daughter did finish her Ode to my Mother. I am so proud. She left for school and I peeked on the computer. I confessed to her later that I peeked and I cried. She didn't mind. I wanted to share it with you all.

ODE TO MY MOTHER

~~~

My mother carries me

Through troublesome times

She's so

Nurturing.

Though at times

We fight

Love

Can describe our relationship.

She is

Caring

She knows how much

I dream, hope.

Talking

She does too well

Getting quiet is

Somewhat difficult.

She is there to

Lend a hand

When I'm

Upset.

If not for her

I wouldn't

Understand

Meaningful Love.

Sometimes she

Invades, she is

Nosey, But

Sometimes, that's best.

But,

without my mother there

I would not

Understand me.

~~~

Ok, now tell me that is not the sweetest thing you ever read.......you can see why it made me cry! Do I not have the best teenager????

My son woke me up the other morning. I had total bed head and there was hair in my face and that little darlin' says 'mommy, you are beautiful'.......These moments make it all worth it.....Enjoy your kids. Don't get upset over the little things. So they spilled something, clean it up and remember that accidents happen, so they color their hair a color you don't like, that's what teens do to explore and find themselves....not a big deal........concentrate on what matters-that they have good hearts and treat people kindly and with respect. Talk to them and let them tell you how they feel. How they really feel. Always let them know that you are there for them and they can talk to you whenever and about whatever they want. Your children are gifts. Treat them as such!

Health notes for today:

Severe lower back pain and hip pain. I am convinced that the weather is to blame. I am walking a little funny today. I have had to take more pain pills than normal. I finally got my liver meds filled and my liver area doesn't hurt as much. I did sleep a lot longer today than my normal nap. I guess my body needed it.

Zhall

Letter from a 19 year old man with Autism-very good reading

2006-02-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Family and friends:
I understand that we will be visiting each other for the holidays (or some time in the future). Some times these visits can be very hard for me, but here is some information that might help our visit to be more successful. As you probably know, I am challenged by a hidden disability called Autism or what some people refer to a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Autism/PDD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, which makes it hard for me to understand the environment around me. I have barriers in my brain that you can't see but which make it difficult for me to adapt to my surroundings. Sometimes I may seem rude and abrupt, but it is only because I have to try so hard to understand people and, at the same time, make myself understood. People with autism have different abilities; some may not speak well (that's me) some write beautiful poetry (I am not there yet), others are whizzes in math (that's me on the computer), or have difficulties making friends (I am getting better at that one). We are all, different and need various degrees of support.
Sometimes when I am touched unexpectedly, it might feel painful and make me want to run away. I get easily frustrated too. Being with lots of other people is like standing next to a moving freight train and trying to decide how and when to jump aboard. I feel frightened and confused a lot of the time, like you would if you landed on an alien planet and didn't understand how the inhabitants communicated. This is why I need to have things the same way as much as possible. Once I learn how things happen, I can get by ok. But if something, anything, changes then I have to relearn the situation all over again! It is very hard. When you try to talk to me, I often can't understand what you say because there is a lot of distraction around. I have to concentrate very hard to hear and understand one thing at a time. You might think I am ignoring you-I am not. Rather, I am hearing everything and not knowing what is most important to respond to. Holidays are exceptionally hard because there are so many different people, places, and things going on that are out of my ordinary realm. This may be fun and adventurous for most people but, for me, it's very hard work and can be extremely stressful. I often have to get away from all the commotion to calm down. It is great when I have a private place to retreat. If I cannot sit at the meal table, do not think I am misbehaving or that my parents have no control over me. Sitting in one place for even five minutes is often impossible for me. I feel so antsy and overwhelmed by all the smells and people, I just have to get up and move about. Please don't hold up your meal for me, go on with out me and my parents will handle the situation the best way they know. Eating in general is hard for me. If you understand that autism is a sensory processing disorder, it's no wonder eating is a problem! Think of all the senses involved with eating: sight, smell, taste, touch AND all the complicated mechanics that are involved with chewing and swallowing that a lot of people with autism have trouble with. I am on a new special food program to help me digest food better. So I am very picky at what I can have to eat. I literally cannot eat certain foods. Don't be disappointed if my Mommy hasn't dressed me in starch and bows. It's because she knows how much stiff and frilly cloths can drive me buggy!! I have to feel comfortable in my cloths or I will just be miserable! I love to get presents on the holidays just like everyone else. But if I have a "thought" in my head about what might be in the gift box, I don't always react in a happy way after opening in your gift and not finding my "thought:" I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't understand. Sometimes I might even say something that will hurt your feelings. Be assured that Mom, Dad, and my teachers are all working on ways to help me understand how to handle disappointments and to behave more adaptively in your world. People with autism often have little things that they do to help themselves feel more comfortable. The grown ups call it "self regulation" or "stimming." I might rock, hum, jump around, flap my hands around, or any number of things. I am not trying to be disruptive or weird. Again, I am doing what I have to do for my brain to adapt to your world. Sometimes I cannot stop myself from talking (babbling), or partaking in an activity. The grown ups call this "persevering" which is kind of like self-regulation or stimming. I do this only because I have found something to occupy myself that makes me feel comfortable, and I don't want to come out of that comfortable place and join your hard-to-figure-out world. Preservative behaviors are good to a certain degree because they help me calm down. Please be respectful to my mom and dad if they let me "stem" for a while as they know me best and what helps to calm me. Oftentimes I have to use all of my senses to explore the environment around me. I might touch things excessively to make sense of my surroundings. Many of us autistics get the most information about the world through the visual sense. Sometimes I might even have to touch, twirl or spin things in order to "place" where I am and what I am doing. I learn about the world through channels that may seem unusual to others. But imagine if you were to visit the North Pole without being equipped with the necessary clothing or items needed to endure the brutal environment. How would you feel? You would do whatever it would take to exist. This is what I have to do every moment of every day. Remember that my mom and dad have to watch me much more closely than an average child. This is for my own safety, preservation of your possessions, and to facilitate my integration with you. It hurts my parents' feelings to be criticized for being over protective or condemned for not watching me close enough. They are humans and have been given an assignment intended for saints. My parents are good people and need your support. Holidays are filled with sights, sounds, and smells. The average household is turned into a busy, frantic, festive place. Remember that this may be fun for you but it's very hard work for me to conform. If I fall apart or act out in a way that you consider socially inappropriate, please remember that I don't possess the neurological system that is required to follow all your rules. I am a unique person-an interesting person. I will find my place at this celebration that is comfortable for us all as long as you'll try to view the world through my eyes!
From,
Matthew

It was a dark and stormy night.....

2006-02-28T01:11:00.000-08:00

The 'paris' picture is a collage I did in my friends paris themed deco. I sent it off today for the next person to work in.

It is cold and rainy and windy tonight. I am freezing-yes, I know I live in Californian-blah, blah, blah!!! LOL. I am aching pretty badly from the damp and cold. And my liver area is hurting very badly and I have been out of meds for that for several days. My insurance has a problem with the way the prescription was written and this happens every month. I forgot or I would have called it in earlier.

My sister-yes, she made my blog again! Anyway, my sister called and told me that my precious little nephew(1.5 yo) got into a box of Girl Scout Cookies and took one bite out of several of them and put them back. Pretty smart little guy I'd say! LOL. He is the cutest little bug too! I miss them. I wish I could live closer to them all!

I went to bed at a decent hour tonight and lied there for 2 hours and couldn't sleep....ugh. Today I made a pot roast and sourdough bread in the bread machine. So easy, just fill up the crock pot and the bread machine and walk away! Easy as pie. And, so yummy. I love fresh cooked bread. Nothing quite like it. My mom used to make homemade bread all the time. I remember how much work it was for her. Thank goodness for bread machines. I don't know that I could do all that work by hand! They did so much when we were kids. She was either baking, canning, or freezing things. Wow, I didn't realize how much I missed some of that stuff until just now....

DD has to write an ode for one of her classes. She chose me as the subject-awwww. She shouldn't have asked me what she should do it about if she didn't think I would suggest myself.....she should have known! Ha. But in all fairness, I did suggest a few other things first. I will post it when she finishes!

I don't really have any rantings today.....wow, nothing that I have an opinion about....that is rare! LOL.

Zhall

What is art?

2006-02-26T03:04:00.000-08:00

I was looking today at a can of tomato soup and wondering who decided that a picture of a can of campbells tomato soup was art and worth mucho dinero.......Don't get me wrong, I think some of Andy Warhol's work is pretty good. But, really who decides that his can of soup picture is worth so much more than Joe Schmo's picture of the same can of soup?

I have always been told that art and collectables are only worth as much as someone is willing to pay for it. It's odd, that there are so many famous artists but then there are just the average people who create art just as beautiful but they never get fame or notoriety. I can understand the Frida craze. She was an artist like no other. She was unique. But what about the people that hung the orange fabric all over central park and called it art. What makes it art? The magnitude of the project? I get that it was indeed unique but if our Joe Schmo wanted to hang fabric all over something, would the city fine him for littering or would he just be thought of as a little crazy. By the way, I think being a little 'out there' makes a really good artist!

It all comes down to 'art is in the eye of the beholder'. If someone is willing to pay a million dollars for a picture of a can of tomato soup, good for the artist! I have 10 cans of the same art in my pantry that cost me only 5.00 when they were on sale for 2/1.00.

I remember when my son was in preschool-a horrible experience at this certain daycare-he was coloring a picture of a moon. He picked up a green crayon and the teacher said 'no, no, no....moons are NOT green'. I handed it back to him and said 'but your moon can be green if you so desire!'. I love his work whether or not the moon is green, pink or plaid. His next daycare, they were painting. My son painted a big black blob. The teacher there said 'tell me about you picture...'. He said 'it's a parking lot'! LOL. And it DID look like a parking lot. Haha. The teacher loved it, labeled it 'parking lot' and hung it to display. Art is about experimenting and thinking outside the box. It is about you and what you feel. I can't stand seeing people squash someone's desire to be creative.

Today, I slept very late again and of course am up very late. Tomorrow DD and I are going shopping. I need to buy some new bras before the wire kills me. It is popping out and I am just about ready to duct tape it! Duct tape does fix everything! LOL. And, i want to find some new clothes, preferably ones without paint on them......plus I need some more things for my rubber stamps. I ran out of CD cases that I am storing them in. I am getting organized.......sooner or later, it will happen, I swear!

Zhall

can't sleep at night, can't stay awake during the day......

2006-02-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

So, I went to bed at 2am and slept right up until 7am when the kids got up for school. I got them off and went back to bed and slept right through my morning doctor's appt. and didn't wake up until 2 pm. I am so frustrated. I hope the doctor understands when I call them on monday with my tail between my legs......Can they drop a patient for that??? I hope not, I really like my doctor.....I just need to get there. I have been getting drowsy when driving so haven't been driving except for the half mile to my daughter's bus stop. It really scares me.

I know the insomnia is part of the liver disease and the fatique too. So, how can you be tired and fatiqued and not fall asleep. What is it that keeps me tired all day and evening until it's time for bed and then I am wide awake! Can someone please explain insomnia to me?????

I have really been neglecting my appearance. I feel bad for my DH. Aparantly the 'not caring' and letting yourself go are parts of the liver disease too. So how does a defective liver alert the brain to say 'hey, it's ok if you look like crap everyday....'. I just don't get it. Other than the fact that it is really tiring to make myself look good. It is a chore and tires me out. People don't realize when they see me once a week or once a month that it took a lot for me to get 'polished' and out the door. And then, by the time I get home, I am done for a day or two afterwards... I will be going into my 5th month of my liver meds this week and still not feeling better. What's the deal with that???? But, luckily (sarc), I get all the lovely side effects of this wonderful medicine......can't win. Like with prednisone. If I don't take it, I don't walk. If I take it, I can walk but am FAT and hungry and edgy.....oh, and have a lovely beard to replace all the hair on my head that is falling out.....joy, joy........LOL.

My neighbor came over today-I hadn't seen her in about 3 months or so......Anyway, her little girl had influenza A in December and caused an infection in her brain. She was so sick. She was in intensive care and the doctors told her parents that she may not make it and to be prepared. Thank God she was ok. They told H., the mom that they have only seen two other people walk out of the Hospital in 19 years that had the same thing that little J. had. She was 4, almost 5 years old. Thank God, and Thank God again that she was OK. So, H told us that we are NOT to ever pass up the flu shot again!

Well, off to move DS from the couch to his bed....

Zhall

hellooooooo!

2006-02-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Remember the Seinfield episode when they kept saying 'hellooooooooo' to each other??? My sister and I did it for awhile. I know-we are big kids.....but it was fun! Everyone who loves Seinfield remembers that one and these-'spongeworthy', 'the soup nazi' and 'buck naked'.....! Funny thing is that I didn't even like that show when it first came out but then couldn't get enough of it. Remember George's desk that he slept under? That was genius!

Anyway, wow, today I took an extra long nap which makes me think that tonight it will be very hard to sleep. We'll see.......of course.

I took prednisone-almost down to 10mg a day which is the point when the weight starts coming off.......I am on ursodial for the liver, and many other assorted drugs. The side effects crack me up-one causes constipation, one causes diarhea, one causes upset stomach, one makes you tired another one wakes you up. I am wondering if my body could function on it's own anymore.

Anyone see the famous photo of Britteny Spears behind the wheel with baby on her lap??? The newscaster reporting it here, defended her saying 'oh well, she was only 1/4 mile from home'..... ok, but an air bag can deflate from hitting a curb too hard. It pisses me off that celebrities can get away with things that the 'regular' people can't . Britteny said that she has to be careful around the papperazi, after all, that is how princess Diana was killed. OK, am I missing something???? I thought she was killed by a driver who was driving drunk and WAY too fast! Yes, the papperazi were following them but that didn't mean that he had to speed-or BE DRUNK!!!!! Can you tell how I feel about drunk drivers????? So, Britt honey, if you want to protect your child, certainly do not drive with him infront of an airbag......geesh.

I saw on tv today that someone famous went to a restaurant and got bumped to the front of the reservation list-and probably got most of the food or wine bill courtesy of the owner. So the rich get freebies......I would have been ticked had I been waiting for a table and a celebrity got in because they were a celebrity.

Ugh! Anyway, off to bed......I am done venting! LOL.

Zanna

Zanna's soap box.....

2006-02-22T22:56:00.000-08:00

OK, my sister told me that this would make a better name for my blog.....maybe she is right. While I am opinionated, I am not so arrogant to think that my opinion is the only one. If someone thinks I am wrong, that's fine. We all have the right to our own. If we all felt the same, the world would be so, so very dull. But I still like the saying 'everyone is entitled to my own opinion'! LOL.

An old friend of mine recently got in contact with me through another old friend. It is weird how life works. I grew up with one, but not the other, but they have boyfriends in the same pool league and both know me. So, it has been fun catching up. M. is who recently got in contact with me. I think her and I got into more trouble together besides another friend in this state with the same name. M. and I had some good, good times! It is fun to remember all that. Even if we were stupid and did things that the other wasn't too happy about, there was always the underlying friendship bond. Hey, M. if you are reading this-remember the hospital stay???? LOL. We were nearly killed but in hindsight, it was one of the funnest days we ever had together........

So, today, I am feeling blah......I cleaned up the kitchen but really need to clean out the fridge. I am really afraid to see what is living in there! This house has some faults. The pantry door opens into the fridge door and vise versa. I cannot get the drawers out of the fridge because the pantry door is at a 90 degree angle to the fridge so the door won't open far enough. I have to pull the whole fridge out of it's cubby to get all the shelves and drawers out. It is really a pain in the derriere.

I also posted some things on ebay. I wish I felt better, I could almost make a living doing that. But, don't have enough energy.....We tried a new frozen pizza tonight. It is by digiorno and has a whole wheat thin crust. It really wasn't bad. My DD picked it out by mistake but I am glad she did.

I don't have much new to post except this darn lower back and thigh pain. It has really been bad lately. I did fall asleep at the computer last night which is odd for me. Usually am wide awake lying in bed but last night was no problem. I am praying tonight is just as easy.....

Zhall

So much for sleep!

2006-02-22T01:03:00.000-08:00

I tried to lie down and the sandman just laughed at me! So, here I am wide awake......

DD and I watched the Olympic girls figure skating. I am so disappointed that Michelle Kwan dropped out. My theory is this: she got to go without trying out, which I didn't think was fair. Then she goes and drops out because of an injury she KNEW she had before she left. I was a little upset with her. Please no cyber tomatoes! I secretly was hoping that Emily Hughes would get the gold because she was there in Michelle's place. Sasha Cohen did get gold tonight and very well deserved it. Her routine was flawless. Emily placed 7th. I think Michelle saw how good her competition was and decided she didn't want to skate if she couldn't get the gold. DD and I argued about that. Oh well.

DD and I went shopping to Wally world tonight. It was the slowest I have ever seen it. I was glad. It's usually so crowded you can't get through it. The cashier, Joey, didn't look at us or speak to us until it was time to get paid for the purchase.....I don't like that. You may as well go through the self checkouts which I am still not sure I like. My theory is this-the self checkouts replace 3-4 cashiers and you get to do their work so shouldn't you get a discount for doing their work??? That's what I think! Sound fair? I thought so.....

My sister told me the cutest joke today: Why did Beethoven return his chicken? Because it kept saying 'BACH' 'BACH'. Good humor-eh???

I slept until 11:30 today. I am over the stomach flu today, thank goodness! I was really getting hungry for substance!

My baby sister wants me to design another tattoo for her. She has one already that I designed. It's pretty cool having my art on her leg! So, she wants another one. I am flattered. Her first one turned out really nice.

I was watching a real life lawyer show that is new. The same one as in a previous post. This lawyer again was defending a drunk driver that killed a person. The lawyer said his blood content was 1/10th below the legal limit. The kid was 18. As far as I know, the legal limit for someone under age is zero! Right? They are in Las Vegas so I know the drinking age there is 21.

My little sisters-we are all one year apart-want us all to meet up in Vegas some year for a girls weekend/slumber party. That would be cool. We need to discuss it some more! That would be really a good time!

Well, I finally think I am getting sleepy. Time to try the beddy bye thing again.

Zhall

JUDGE NOT-the best poem in the world!

2006-02-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

THE BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp--

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

"And why's everyone so quiet,So somber?

Give me a clue.""Hush, child," said He,

"they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you."

Judge NOT!!!!!!!.

24 hour bug

2006-02-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, do I hate the flu. It is the worst. I can't stand to throw up and the other is just as bad. Trying to get to the bathroom in time and wondering if you are going to be kneeling or sitting. Then if I have to kneel, it takes me a 1/2 hour to get back up! I know it's gross, but I could get really detailed about some of my other health issues and you probably would think this was nothing! Poor DD has it too. I had this 8 days ago......why am I getting it again?????? Good grief.

Today was alright. I got up at 10 am when DS got home from Grandma's. He always walks in the door and says 'I'm home!'. I say, 'who is it?', and he says, 'it's me your son!'. So cute but we do it everytime. He is funny. He doesn't know how to pretend. Autism is like that. He will put on one of many superhero costumes and try to scare me. I'll say 'oh, spiderman, you are so handsome' and he will say 'it's really me, mom'. He is 7 and a half and still doesn't get the concept of pretend! I am not sure he will. We just enjoy the now. I try not to think too far ahead but I can't help it sometimes. He is such a joy and it kills me that someday he may not be able to function on his own as an adult. If I think about it too much, I will cry and worry about something that may never happen.

I did get a chance to get some art in today. I tried-and failed-at some new techniques but at least now I know that it won't work.......got that past me and some more stuff out of my art supplies. I am trying so hard to pare down my supply stash. It is out of control. I know it but parting with things from my art area causes me to have anxiety attacks! LOL. I can cull any closet, pantry or cupboard in the house but when I look at my art and sewing supplies, it breaks my heart to think of getting rid of anything. Literally makes me ill......I am getting a little better. I think I am going to put together some collage packets and sell on ebay. Maybe it won't be so hard so hard to part with it if I am getting some green for it! Then I can buy more stuff! Hehehehehehe (evil laugh). When people ask me what I collect, I tell them 'art supplies'.....duh!

On another note-my DD got an iPod. OK, the thing is really cool-technoligally speaking but it can hold 10,000 songs or something like that.......I can't think of 100 songs that I want to listen to on a regular basis! She also told me not to touch it because I may break it-some confidence-eh???? Nice DD! LOL. I was talking to my mom tonight who is extremely technologically challenged. She admitted to me tonight that she can't even use her VCR because she doesn't know how........Okiedokie......press play........that's all she would use it for is to watch movies. When my dad was with us, he did all the techie stuff and dubbing videos was about as far as he got. But, at least he could run a VCR! Mom cracks me up. She won't go over the speed limit by even one mile because it 'is a limit for a reason'. She drove me to the hospital when I went into labor with our DD. She drives 5 mi. under where ever she goes. Cracks me up. She said 'no one delivers in the time it takes to get to the hospital, we have time'......she was right. We had 11 1/2 hours.......arghghg! But she stayed with me the whole time. My DD has my mom's middle name as her second middle name. I was very thankful to my mom for being there for me. My daughter was born with her bottom lip sticking out and 16 years later, it is still sticking out. Actually she did it tonight to try to suck up to me.......very cute, but it doesn't work like it did when she was a toddler! : )

The kids are in bed. I am starving. I can't keep anything in me. Oh, a little tip-coleslaw-not the best food to have when you are not sure whether or not your flu bug is over.......no, no, no!!!!!
Bad cuisine choice......

Well, I am off to la la land. I hope.

Haha.
Zhall

Middle of the night!

2006-02-20T01:43:00.000-08:00

I am up again! Big surprise......but I did sleep most of the day so it only figures that I can't sleep tonight. We had a big day yesterday. DD turned 16 last week so we celebrated with family last night. Also my nephew's girlfriends bday. She is very sweet and they are really good together.
What could be better than food and family? We had a very nice night and DS stayed for a couple of days. He is a grandmas boy and loves to spend time there. Can't deny him that! He took all of his stuffed animals though. The back of our SUV was full! LOL.

DD bought an IPOD. I am so totally amazed at the technology these days. This thing is the size of a candy bar and can hold over 7000 songs and some 9 hours of video (I think). She was showing it to me and I still can't believe it. We used to listen to 8 tracks. They were 4 times the size and had only 8 songs on them! LOL. She was very excited though. She just needs to get her thank yous out to all those who made it possible. She's such a good kid, it was nice to see her so excited.

My MIL gave her a tin of the best chocolates! They are called Delittante fruit medley. It is dried blueberries, strawberries, cherries, and apricots covered in white, milk, and dark chocolates. They are divine!!!! Just divine! I had to hide them from myself! LOL. They are sold at Trader Joes. Love that place!

Today was not a good day for health. I did a lot of standing and walking last night and didn't fall asleep until about 3 am. I got up at 3pm this afternoon and it took a couple of hours to 'thaw'. My hips and thighs were screaming. I had a lot of pain in the liver area and spleen area too. I see my doctor on Friday so we'll see if my blood counts are coming down....

Off to do a puzzle and try to sleep before my son comes home tomorrow from Grandma's house!

: )

Zhall

Friday, the 17th.....

2006-02-18T00:59:00.000-08:00

Boy, I had a really bad day today as far as pain is concerned. I took some vicodin a couple of hours ago and still hurt in my hips and legs. It is really cold tonight-low 40's and pouring rain so I am sure that doesn't help my aches and pains......If it gets a little colder, it could actually snow her in so.cal. We had a light dusting of snow once in our yard since we've been in this house but we usually see snow at the top of the hills that we live in the foothills of. My son, 7, still asks me when it will snow here. He doesn't quite understand....LOL.

I was thinking about middle age, as long as I am supposedly approaching it-meaning 40........so they say 40 is the new 30-what EXactly does that mean??? All I know is that my body at 30 was quite a bit different that my body now. I know I have been sick for a long time, on prednisone for 7 years and the muscle disease is not 'workout' friendly, not too mention, it is very difficult to build up muscle. So, I know I am much 'softer' than I was at 30! Things are moving south at a rapid speed! and my arms look like a flying squirrel. I wave my hand and the skin below my arm waves too! My hair is graying-when did that happen???? I need to keep up with the coloring of my hair because it was kind of a shock to see just how much gray I really did have..... Now, don't take this the wrong way. I enjoy life and don't mind aging, not at all. The only alternative to aging is dead and I don't like the latter choice. I prefer to age! : )

An old friend got in contact with me yesterday-HI MRT-I just realized that her initials spell Mr. T. It was nice to hear from her and remember old times! It is really hard to believe that I have known her for 20 years this year......Time sure does fly.......I like the quote 'the days are long, but the years are short-if that isn't one of the truest statements I have ever heard, I don't know what is......

A couple of my other favorites are by Judge Judy-'don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining' and 'beauty fades but dumb is forever.....'. One of the other TV judges-Judge Mills I think-used to say 'you can stand there and look like a fool or you can open your mouth and prove it'......that's a good one too.

Well, off to bed-AGAIN. Tried to lie down earlier but couldn't fall asleep.

Zanna

bad day today for health/art photos

2006-02-16T23:13:00.000-08:00

This is a page in a deco with the theme 'driving divas' that I did. I love deco's. They are easy and you can get several artists in one. They are so nice to look through for inspiration!

Today was a crappy day for health. I didn't get my morning nap in so I was extremely tired. My friend drove me to pick up my blazer from the shop. On our way there, we stopped and got some Taco Bell. I rarely eat fast food anymore and it didn't taste nearly as good as I remember it to be! On my way from the shop to Target, I started getting really sleepy. I was so afraid I would fall asleep. I made it to Target and then home safely. DH was already home so we got to have some alone time before the kids got home. I lied down to rest and next thing I knew, DS was waking me up to tell me he had a good day at school. I was in pain so badly through my hips, thighs, and knees. I think it is the cool weather we are having. This morning when I woke up, it was only 65 in the house. My joints don't like that!

Tomorrow, both the kids go to the doctor just for regular checkups. At least I can sleep in a little as they both have the day off. That will be nice.

If you want to see some wonderful art pieces, go to my links area and then to Audrey's blog. She is an art friend that lives in Florida and she does beautiful work.

The picture below is a spread I did in a deco themed 'fly'. It was made out of old bingo cards. I got the images from the reminisce magazine.

I am off to bed. I am sure I can sleep tonight! Knock on wood........

the law

2006-02-15T23:39:00.000-08:00

I was watching a new television show the other night, or maybe last night, I can't remember. Anway, it is about a lawyer in Vegas. One of his clients was a drunk driver. The client had not hurt anyone, thank God, but had just been pulled over for suspician of dui. The lawyer was advising him that, yes, while he did get pulled over and, yes, he was drunk driving, he will probably most likely be able to get it dropped, pretty much......what kind of message does that send to people? I don't understand the mentality. Yes, you did something wrong, but hey, you have enough money to hire a really good lawyer so you can get away with it.......

My nephew was killed in a drunk driving accident. The driver walked away with minor injuries and the police decided not to arrest him and disrupt his family in the middle of the night. He father was a local celebrity-go figure. My nephew though, was dead and to say that his parents lives were disrupted is a gross understatement. But, hey, why bother two families????? Money may not be able to buy happiness but it sure can buy a lot of other things.......

I was thinking about my dad again and how he laughed. His laugh was contagious. He had the big belly laughs and would tear up he would laugh so hard at the silliest things that the kids did. My daughter has this habit of rolling her eyes when she isn't happy with something. Most people find that disrespectful. My Dad thought it was the funniest thing! He was a big kid too. But, he taught us a good lesson on how to enjoy life. Don't stress over the little things. They are just that-little insignificant things. If it isn't disrupting your life, you don't spend time on it.....you shake it off, move on, forgive, and forget. Don't hold grudges. It isn't worth the weight it adds to your back. Not at all. You have to move on. Leave the past in the past. Life is too short. Really it is. What I wouldn't give to hear my dad laugh just one more time! To see him find joy in the things most people over look. My son is like that. He finds beauty everywhere.

Look around you. Look at the mountains, the clouds, look at a single flower and enjoy it and realize what a miracle these things are. Look at you children and thank God that you were graced with such blessings. If you can walk, be greatful, if you can see, be thankful. Appreciate what you have and don't dwell on what you don't have-as far as material things go.

I was doing a questionnaire with some friends. One of the questions was: what would you like to pass on to future generations? My answer-tolerance. I am so tired of hearing people pass judgement on others simply for the way they look. It is ridiculous.

Health today: took a 3 hour nap, felt much more rested today. Had a lot of pain in my hips and legs. It is starting to get cold and the news said that rain is on the way so that may explain the pain that I have had recently.

Going to bed!
'night.

wow

2006-02-15T01:04:00.000-08:00

I don't have a title for today's entry.......

DDs bday went off without a hitch. She is 16 now. Still can hardly believe it. I still can't figure out how I got so lucky with this kid. She is a genuinely good kid. Her and I went for our annual breakfast. I have taken her to breakfast, just her and I since she turned one, every birthday. Her favorite place to go is McDonald's. She can choose any place, but she chooses there. Usually we go through the drive through and sit in the car-her choice. This time we went inside-I had to use the restroom! : ) She had a great day at school and I made her one of her favorite dishes, grandmother's noodles with chicken and angel food for dessert. Her dance instructor had a cake for her after class too. That was really nice. Her dance teacher is such a big part of her life. She is not just a teacher but a friend and mentor to her. I appreciate that.

Today, Valentine's day was fun for the kids. DH and I kept our promises and didn't do anything. We are going to try to get out to dinner one of these nights all by ourselves! The kids each got a movie, candy, and DS got a big stuff frog that he took to 'meet' the rest of the animals in his room right away. He already named him Freddie.

I have been trying to organize the rubber stamps in my art area. I am unmounting them all from their blocks and going to store them in clear cd cases. I have a mounting system that they stick to with hook and loop tape. They take up so much less room. The unmounted are cheaper too, so I can buy more! I am almost done with all the unmounted ones that I have. I didn't realize I had so many. The mounted is going to be the hardest to take all of them off the blocks. It should be fun!

I need to make a couple of gifts over the next couple of days. Since I have an idea already, it shouldn't be too hard.

Healthwise-I was in a lot of pain this afternoon so I had to take some vicodin. It helped immensely. I had a long day yesterday going shopping, buying groceries, making cakes and a big dinner. Today I ended up sleeping most of the day again. If I hadn't had to get up, I probably could have slept straight into tomorrow.

DS told me today that he never wants to die. He was crying. It broke my heart but what do you say? I can't tell him that it won't happen someday. I told him it would be a very long time. He said 'like when your 60?'. I said 'maybe even longer.....'. He is so sweet.

I am going to try to sleep tonight. One of these nights, maybe it will work! LOL.

Zanna

commercialism

2006-02-12T01:17:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here tonight thinking of Valentine's Day. People are so frantic trying to get everything in order and get that special gift for their special someone. Why is it just one day of the year that we celebrate our love to each other? Shouldn't we be celebrating everyday that we have that special someone to share our lives with?

I think my dear husband has finally learned to leave the roses at the store. I think it's nice to get flowers but those bouquets at the checkout don't require much thought. I like tiger lilies, wild flowers, carnations, etc......not premade, grab em as you run out the door bouquets. I would be so happy to receive something handpicked. I honestly, would be just as happy with a 'happy valentines day' and a nice kiss. Same with my birthday. I may sound cynical but I think these holidays are too commercial.

On mother's day, the best gifts I ever receive are the ones from my kids that are handmade. Something that will last a lot longer that a vase of cut flowers and has sentimental value. One of the best cards my husband ever gave me, was a card he made out of a paper plate. He folded it in half and wrote happy bday bb, and on the inside, love always, pb. I won't tell you what the initials stand for, only him and I know that. Before we got married, he surprised me with a candlelit steak dinner with all the fixin's that he put together all by himself. That was impressive.

I guess I don't have much to say today. Pretty unusual for me. LOL.

Zhall

Good Samaritan

2006-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

My friend today, lost his wallet while riding his motorcycle to work. They are planning a trip out of town tomorrow so they were frantic. There was a significant amount of money in the wallet, credit cards, ID and debit card. A few hours after he lost it, a man showed up at their house with the wallet in hand. He said that stuff had been blowing across the road and he chased it down. When my friend and his wife got the wallet back, all the money was there, everything but the debit card. They assumed it was lost on the road or in a ditch. That man restored my faith in the human race today. They gave him a sizable reward for being so honest. He even admitted that he thought of keeping it but saw the family picture in the wallet and he just couldn't do it! What a wonderful story.

I had a long tiresome day. I picked up our car from the repair shop, ran some errands, took DD to ballet and then to a church musical function. I am falling asleep at the keyboard......I think I will sleep well tonight!

Zanna

time to change that clock.....

2006-02-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here looking at a clock hanging high up on the wall in my dining area. A clock that I had DH put there for the sole purpose of seeing it while on the computer-not that the little clock ON the computer matters at all, but I love this clock. My dear friend gave it to me for my birthday one year. DH put batteries in it and hung it. The batteries died about 6 months later and haven't been changed. I think it's been 2 years this May........It still is a pretty clock and I still enjoy looking at it. AND I still say 'hmmmm, 5:30, that clock is off......'. DUH.

I felt pretty good today. I got up, the kids left for school, I got a shower and sat down in the recliner to watch one of my favorite shows-That's Clever-and realized that while the TV guide said it was NEW, it wasn't and fell asleep. Took a 3 hour nap, which is much less than the naps I have had lately. I actually accomplished a few things today.

DD is taking her High School Exit exams. I asked why they had to take them as sophomores. She said 'I don't know, maybe because we get 8 chances to pass it'. What is the purpose of getting 8 chances to pass a test that they are supposed to be able to pass on the first try? I don't understand the logic there. I went to school all the years I had to and never once was given even a second chance to retake a test......BUT they are having the kids in special ed take these tests too. I heard it is the same test give to mainstream children. I could be wrong and may have heard it wrong but even if it is true, how in the world do they expect these children to pass a test like that? Are they going to keep them in school until they pass it?? I am speaking as the mom of a special needs child. Is my child going to be in high school until he is 30??????? This is a bit ridiculous and I hope my rant is all in vain and that this is not true.

I have been really good about 'shopping' my own art supplies before running out to buy more. I did get out my stamp carving materials that I bought a while back. It cost me less than 15.00 for the tools and the carving block. I made a leaf and a rose bud today. They turned out pretty nice. I am sure I will use them often.

Roseanne Barr was on Martha Stewart today. She looks really great and even made a comment about the 'accident' she had the last time she sang in public........She has a new cd out for children. It looks really cute.

Anywho, time to hit the hay.......night all!

Zhall

Will this headache ever go AWAY????

2006-02-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

I am just so tired of having a headache and feeling of 'brain fog'. I read somewhere recently that sinusitis (chronic) can give you headaches and fatigue......what doesn't cause fatigue anymore?

I did have good news this morning. DHs Aunt called to let me know that their Christmas package that I sent on Dec. 21st-priority mail, mind you, finally made it to there home. About six weeks later, I think. I should make the post office pay me back for postage but it isn't worth the trip. I can't believe it took that long. She said it was pretty banged up, like it had been around the world, but everything we sent made it just fine.

I slept until 2:30pm again today. I just feel like I am wasting my life away in bed but if I don't sleep, I can't function when I am awake. I am almost over my 3rd month of the liver meds so it should start working anytime. I wonder what is giving me headaches. I am weaning myself off diet coke. I know its bad for me and it can cause headaches but I have been drinking it for years and haven't had the headaches for years. I can't hurt to stop. I probably will even help me feel a little better. Lord knows it will help the budget......

I need to try and go to sleep at a decent hour again......geesh, please let me sleep through the night........at least a little bit......

My friend send me dove chocolates in the mail today-milk chocolate-my favorite and also a great pen that has a heart on top that lights up when you write and a fuzzy top, like a troll. That was very sweet of her!

g'night.....I hope : )

sleepless insanity

2006-02-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

This insomnia thing is really, REALLY starting to bug! I went to bed at 11pm and got all snuggled up with my heated blanket, all my pillows fluffed just the way I like them and then lie there, trying to will myself to sleep. I must have slept way to much on Friday and Saturday. My DS told me 'you musta sleeped for 3 days!'. LOL.

I was having pretty bad pain, probably an 8 out of 10, in my hips so took my alloted 3 vicodin. I thought that would have put me to sleep but no such luck. I watched a few episodes of Rosanne on Nick at Night. I like that show. Good humor! : )

I was talking to my sweet little niece the other day. She live almost 2000 miles from me. Her voice is so happy, it just makes me smile. She is six and she told me that she joined the wrestling team. I can totally see her doing that. She is small but mighty! Her mom told me that she downed a kid that was at least six inches taller than her! I told her I would love to see a picture of her in her uniform. She said 'OK, but you will laugh because I look reeeeeaaaalllly funny!'. She was giggling the whole time! I think it is great when people do something that is generally for the opposite sex. I am proud of her!

I don't have many pet peeves today. Just one. I am sure most people saw the little 5 year old girl who was sitting all by herself outside of a store when a man grabbed her necklace and ripped it right off her neck and ran. FIRST-why was a child that age sitting alone unsupervised???? SECOND-what a scum sucking pig to steal from a little kid. THIRD-the nimwit did it right in front of a security camera so hopefully he will be caught soon. I would never trust the world enough to leave my child alone outside of a store.....good grief! I even worry when my 15 year old is out and has not contacted me on each 'leg' of her outing......DH says I am paranoid, I say I am cautious!

Anyway, hopefully I can get a couple of hours of sleep in before the kiddos rise! DS lost another tooth. This time he wanted shiny money instead of paper money. Works for me! LOL.

G'night or should I say g'mornin!

Zhall

what a icky day.....

2006-02-05T00:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't sleep much at all last night so when I finally did fall asleep, I didn't wake up until almost 4pm. I got up, got the mail, paid a bill, felt dizzy and nauseous and went back to bed. I am up at 11 and had something to eat but I am almost ready to go back to bed.

My daughter went to see 'when a stranger calls'. Ugh! I saw the first one when I was young and it scared me half to death. I had to babysit the next week for my aunt and uncle who lived by a cemetary. I didn't make it too long before calling my dad and making him come sit with me! I can't even talk about that movie without getting the shivers!

I am tired of feeling like crap. I am tired of wasting hours sleeping! I have so many things I want to accomplish but can't even seem to get done with the basics anymore. I feel a cold coming on and my throat is itchy. I hope I am not get strep that my son had.

I want to work on quitting the diet coke this week. I know it doesn't help the way I feel and my addiction is bad......I need to keep iced tea in my fridge, more water and I do have some chai tea in my cupboard.

As far as pain goes, my liver area has been causing me to flinch some and my back is oddly sore. My joints haven't been too bad except for my right elbow which has been pretty bothersome. I am still on prednisone, celexa, ursodial 300, amitryptiline, and vicodin for pain.

Not much else to report....

product of my own environment

2006-02-03T23:27:00.000-08:00

You all know the saying 'you are a product of your environment'. How much really does our rearing affect the way we are as adults? I have five siblings. We are all very different in a lot of ways but yet, there are definite similarities.

I know people who have been raised in terrible situations and have grown up to be leaders of their churches, schools and communities. I know people that have had the advantage of a wonderful childhood and grow up to be cons.

I wonder at what point you are to be responsible and take ownership for you own behaviors. I wonder how long people think that they can go on blaming their parents for all their problems. Don't you learn right from wrong? Don't you realize that at some point, you have to quit blaming others and realize that you are an adult, you have a brain and you need to start owning your own problems. How long do people really think that they can blame others for their actions?

I am so tired of the media being blamed for things that people do. "Well, if little Johnny hadn't played that game or watched that movie, he wouldn't be a serial killer". Bull---t! What ever happened to people thinking with their own brains? I hope that I have taught my children that despite what their peers are doing or telling them to do, that they can make a consious decision to do the right thing.

There was an article on the dangers of CSI. They say that people are committing crimes 'better' because they know what investigators are looking for. Soooooo, should you run out and committ homicide now because you can hide it better? NO.

When I was in high school, we had a new principal. I won't say his name but last I heard he was in jail for sexual assult on some female students at the school he left ours for. But, our high school used to play the 'beer barrel polka' at all its pep rallys. Good 'ol midwestern town with thousands of Germans! This new principal decided that the song promoted drinking. Well, the first thought in my head upon hearing that song was not to go out and tap a keg, but to 'move' and dance and whoop it up and have fun! Yes, in retrospect, we probably shouldn't have had a song about beer as our official pep rally song. But, then again, the town holds a fabulous brewery and the kids whose ancestors owned it all went to the school.......

A long time ago, there was a movie that showed kids lying in the center of the road and having cars go over them. They layed in the middle of the lane horizontal to the stripes so that the cars, trucks, whatever would go over them without hurting them.......in a perfect world. Now, of course some numbskulls thought it would be fun to try this and one of them was killed. At what point do you say 'hey, this is pretty stupid, someone could get hurt...'. C'mon! Of course the family sued the movie and probably won a settlement-I really don't remember the outcome.

We all know about the McDonald's coffee fiasco........DUH! Coffee is made with scalding water but lets put the cup between our legs and try to drive a car.......it is amazing to me that they actually won a dime! And how about the people that tried to sue McD's because they were obese from eating fast food. No wonder people win ridiculous law suits, because there has been a precident set that you can make idiotic choices and someone else should pay.......

What is wrong with a society that makes it ok for you to kill becuase you saw it in a movie, or sue because hot coffee was hot????

I believe that our children should be raised to be accountable for their actions. Not be excused because it looked cool in a movie or a video game. Yes, the movies and video games are out there, but why are your children seeing them???? A friend of mine told me that she knows a family who lets their 5 year old play a video game that has prostitutes, car robberies and murders. Five years old???? I wouldn't let my 15 year old play that!

This was all on my mind and I needed to vent! LOL.

Today was a tough one. I feel a cold coming on. I took one of our cars to the service center because the check engine light was on all week for my husband. That darn light didn't come on the whole drive there though! And, they couldn't find anything wrong with the car. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my mom took me to the doctor. She would always say 'you better be sick when we get there!'. She knew us well! Gotta love it! LOL.

I didn't sleep well last night. I was going to lie down at 11:15 for a change-usually insomnia sets in and I am up til 3. BUT, this time, I was getting drowsy so I was just crawling in bed and my darling sister the RN calls me. She said I had better not put this in the blog but howdy hey AKL!!! She was on her way home from work and knew I was usually up late. So I talked to her until she got home. Then, of course, I couldn't sleep so started watching Oprah on David Letterman. I was really getting into it and the cable went out! Good grief. So I went on line for a couple of hours. Woke up and got DD on the bus and DS bus was an hour late. Got him off to school and had to go to the service shop. I did stop for McD's breakfast-hmmmmm, shoulda ordered coffee and got a new car! LOL. No go, I hate coffee! I hadn't had breakfast there in a long while. And, that was all the money I spent this week! Woohoo!

I got a ride home from the guy at the service center and tried to take a nap, but didn't sleep well. DS got home. He always makes my day. He was telling me a story for about the third time tonight and he says 'mom, did I tell you about the so-and-so?" and I say yes, honey you did tell me. He says 'but I know you needed to hear it just one more time!'. So how do you refuse that argument? LOL. Then he sang me 'hey diddle diddle' and got my stuffed bear, beary, that he insists I have and he crawled in my bed and fell asleep with 20 or 30 of his favorite animals, pillows and blankets. I am not sure yet, where I am going to sleep........LOL. It is worth it all though.

Well, off to check some emails. Ya all use your own brains ya hear????? : P

Zanna

What is PM?

2006-02-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

Someone asked that question on our yahoo group one time. How do you describe PM to someone who doesn't have it. I replied 'tell them to imagine what it is like to have the flu, with the nausea, pain, weakness, etc.....Now that they are thinking about it, tell them that instead of the 24 hour bug, we have the 'forever' bug. It doesn't go away, it is always with you but you have to go out and put on a happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong because people really get tired of hearing that you are tired...' That's it.......but really, the best way to explain any autoimmune person to someone who is healthy is to read the 'spoon theory'. It is in one of my early posts. Very, very good reading.

My biggest complaint is that when I do feel good-on that rare opportunity, and dress up, put on make-up and fix my hair, and actually get out of the house-someone inevitably says 'but you look healthy'. Why thank you! Must be the make up or hair spray. I know they mean well but makeup and hairspray aren't gonna cure what ails ya! Don't condemn people for trying to look nice when they feel like crap. It feels good to look good sometimes! It feels good to laugh. I have had people tell me 'you sure are happy for someone with all your ails'......well, what other choice is there? Quit living, or have fun doing it? I vote for number 2. Wouldn't you?

Today was a bad one. Got the kids off to school and took a shower and went back to bed. I slept until 3:15 and am ready to head back to bed. Only up for almost 8 hours.......hopefully, I can sleep tonight. I say that every night and never can sleep right away......who knows, it could happen!

I started working on some art that I might possibly submit in one of the art magazines.......I really don't deal well with rejection but I may as well try! I wrote a children's book once about something my dad used to say to me all the time. I let one of my very talented friends read it and she really liked it. I have always wanted to have it published but wouldn't know where to begin. My dad got to read it before he died. He laughed and then said 'hey, it's pretty good!'. I know he'd be proud if I did something with it.

Gonna try to sleep now.....

depression/ramblings

2006-02-01T01:45:00.000-08:00

I don't talk about depression much. I don't like to admit that depression affects me a great deal. Depression is a hard thing. You can't make yourself be happy, you can't snap out of it. It hurts. I hurts when I am so tired, I can't get up and then the depression sets in and sometimes I don't want to get up. I feel so blah. I am tired all the time......I don't hate the disease, I hate what it has taken away from my family.

I am always a little more sensitive at this time of the month-you know, every 28 days or so.......
My kids always know how to make me smile. DS, being autistic is a perpetual toddler in his thinking. He is 7 but has no concept of time, units of time, days, etc.....He asked me how long until Christmas and I said over 300 days. He said 'is that more than 20?'. He believes in the tooth fairy, santa, the easter bunny, etc......I love it. He insists that he can get to the North Pole to be a santa's helper. He has the whole strategy planned out. He will sneak in his bag while he is in our house. Only problem Santa won't come unless he is sleeping. He hasn't figured out how to fake out Santa yet.

Brody talks about my father all the time. He told me he was going to march right up to Heaven and bring back Grandpa and his cousin Zach. I explained to him that it doesn't work that way. He said 'fine then, the tooth fairy can bring them home'. He tell me all the time-mom, you know my Grandpa Lyle?'. I say 'yes'. He says 'you know he's dead'. 'yes, honey, I know'. ,'You know I miss him soooo much'. I say 'yes, so do I'. Then he makes a crying sound and walks away. An hour later we might have the same exact conversation! He told my mom 'Grandma?' She said 'yes, Brody?' He says 'you know your husband? He's dead'. 'Yes, brody'.

With autism is it so black and white. There is no inbetween. He doesn't understand pretending. He loves to dress up but he is never 'spiderman', he is'BRODY' in a spiderman costume. But, he does say that when he gets big, he will be spiderman and have his own Mary Jane to take care of. He told me once that he had to get married so he could protect his lady. So sweet. He currently has a crush on our nephew's girlfriend!

I worry so much about his future. I worry that he will get teased. I worry that girls will make fun of him. I worry that he won't be able to have a job, a relationship, his own place. It breaks my heart to think of it. He is so precious and so loving. I want the best of everything for him. I just wish I could give him all of it. He doesn't understand joking. I am afraid that kids will laugh at him and he will think they are his friends because they are smiling and happy. I am afraid that he may charge someone that does tease him. I am afraid that he might hurt someone. He is very impulsive. He has hit me, his dad, his sister, grandma, and teachers. I am afraid that he will do it to someone else and have big trouble. I know I shouldn't worry about things that have not happened. But I do. It is a parent's right.

Our daughter will be 16 in two weeks. Seems like yesterday she was a little girl telling me 'luv you mama'. I am not quite sure when she became so mature.....As far as teens go, we have one of the best ones! I still am not sure what I did to get so lucky to have her. She is a parents dream.

I was talking to my sister today and she asked me how my pain level was. I surprised myself when I thought about it and realized the pain has improved some. The fatigue level has gotten worse though. I would rather have the pain than to sleep all the time. I feel like life is just passing me by. Sometimes I feel like I am in a hole and just can't get to the top of it.......

I did get some time to work in my art studio today a little bit. Not much but enough to make me feel a little better. I do need to clean off my desk again so that I can be more creative. It is much easier when things are organized! I should have dh help me organize, he is much better at it but then, he likes to throw things away too......I am not sure I am up for him tossing my art stuff in the trash!

I haven't talked to my friend RN lately. I miss her a lot. They are going to move to another state. It bums me out tremendously. I have to not focus on that......

I think my bed is calling me......

G'night.

been a long time

2006-01-30T00:40:00.000-08:00

I need to make a better point of recording regularily. My purpose is lost if I don't. I have been really tired again. Sleeping a lot. My son had strep throat and scarlet fever last week. I didn' t know scarlet fever was a side effect of strep. Now I know....He was home from school 4 days. He got to lie in our bed and watch cartoons all week. He really didn't want to go back to school! LOL.

My DD is going to be 16 pretty soon. It is weird watching your kids grow. It seems like she did while I wasn't looking. She went from my little baby doll to a young woman. She is beautiful. I came home the other day and she had been baking and letting her little brother help her. She is so good to him. We are tremendously proud of her.

I was supposed to have an MRI last week on my liver to see if there were any bile duct blockages. The clinic called me and told me that we had to postpone it because my insurance won't cover it without a letter from my doctor......sooooo now I have to wait for that to happen.

My friend had a whole spread about her and her art in a recent magazine. She does beautiful work. I emailed her and told her that it was absolutely wonderful. She surprised me with one of the pieces of art that was in the spread. She said she sent it to inspire me to submit mine. I haven't tried that yet but I will do now. My faith in my own work leaves something to be desired! LOL.

I have started a new group on Yahoo to discuss art and creating art on a budget. I want to write a book or a zine (a mini self published magazine) on the topic. I have learned a lot lately about budgeting. I am learning to use what I have. I used to hoard things, all things. With my husbands help, I learned that I don't need to save clothes and the kids stuff-well all of it anyway. BUT, I thought I had to have something if it was on sale and I could possibly use it someday......If boxed dinners were on sale, I had to buy 10 or 20 because they were on sale. If the paint or brushes were on sale, I had to buy a lot because I might need it when it is full price and so now I am saving money. Finally, I heard my DAD's voice in my head telling me 'if you buy it on sale and you don't NEED it, you aren't saving money.....'. He told me that years and years ago. I guess I just finally HEARD it! So, now, I have a bunch of supplies and need to create with what I have. I should only have to buy glue!!!!

On another subject; Caregivers. Caregivers are those close to you who help you when you are ill. No matter how little they need to do, they still need to be appreciated. I have been chronically ill, for seven years. I know this has been tough on my husband. Now I am so tired so much, that I can't keep up with the housework, or myself for that matter somedays. I feel like he is shortchanged because the house isn't as clean as he would like it and other things are not taken care of as they should be. I try to devote most of my attention to the kids. Even that is minimal some days. I hope they realize that even though I couldn't do things like most mom's that I love them with every ounce of my being.

Friends. It is a hard disease on friends too. I don't have too many of the friends left that I had when this started. Everyone is busy with their own lives. I only feel good a couple days a week and I can't plan those ahead so I do have to cancel things sometimes at the last minute. I know that is tough on people close to you. My family is very supportive and I have the most wonderful in-laws. My husbands family is so understanding. My family is far away but they know I sleep a lot and they know I can't always talk on the phone. Even a conversation on the phone makes me tired.

Can we talk about elevator etiquette?????? I will never understand why people getting on the elevator, don't understand why it is important to let the people OFF the elevator before getting ON the elevator! Isn't that common sense?????? Also, when you are walking up to a door and someone is just a step or two ahead of you and let the door close just as you are about to touch it. I have realized that most of the people in the world are good. I just wish that the rest of them would learn what it means to be courteous. That's all. Is it too much to ask???? LOL.

I went and checked on my kids. I love to check on them when they are asleep. They are so peaceful. So angelic. They are recharging!!!!! LOL.

I went to an art meeting on Saturday and was there for quite awhile. I 'taught' the girls how to make something that was in an arts magazine recently. We had a blast. We ate, we painted, we cut and pasted and played with beads........I came home with paint all over my hands. It was a good day.......

It is 1am and I think I am going to try to go to bed.....we shall see how that goes......my son snuck into my bed after I put him to bed. He is so sweet. He took about 20 of his stuffed animals in there too. I am going to have to evict some of them so I can get in!!!

G'night!

: P

Zanna

Ramblings......

2006-01-17T23:40:00.000-08:00

It has been so long since I posted. What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. I am sleeping a lot and not able to get things done during the day. It makes my days much shorter.....

I remember before my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer that his doctor told him the reason he is sleeping so much is that his body was preparing itself for death. I can't get that out of my head when I am so tired.

I was thinking about my Mom today-well, everyday but a lot today. She has been sick most of her life. I know she had a tough childhood with her Dad sick a lot-he died when she was 18. And she had someone in her life that hurt her all the time. She has been sick most of her adult life too. I used to think that some of her illness' were made up. She had so many doctors tell her it was all in her head and family member and friends grew tired of her being tired all the time. It makes me feel so awful because I went through the same things-and still do sometimes. I was told by doctor after doctor that I was crazy. Then there was the doctor stupid that told me I was a hypochondriac after knowing me for only 10 minutes.

I have grown to admire my Mom. She has FM also and arthritis. She has had so much pain over the years. When my Dad was sick and dying she really stepped up to the plate and made his final wishes come true by keeping him at home and not doing any heroics to keep him alive. All this while dealing with her pain. She never complained. I know that they were so in love. It made me look at my marriage a whole new way.

For Christmas my mom made 23 pillows out of Dad's old button up shirts. Dad almost always wore a button up shirt and always had a date book and a pen in the pocket. She put datebooks and pens in the pockets of all the pillows. When I miss my Dad I hold my pillow. She made one for herself with a white dress shirt and the navy blue tie that Dad wore to church. I couldn't believe she did all that! She made one for each of her kids and grandkids.

One of my most dearest friends told me last week that her and her husband and kids are moving out of state. I am pretty bummed about this. She is one of a handful of people that totally supported me during my really sick moments. She never got made when I flaked because I didn't feel good, she always understands. When you are dealing with a chronic illness, you find out who your friends really are!

OK, my peeve for the day: What happened to common courtesy????? I know I have spoken of this before.......I went to get a replacement bus pass for my daughter today. There were 10 chairs in the hall to sit while waiting your turn. They were full, 1/2 of them by children. I was standing with my cane and leaning on a counter so I would fall over. Not one parent asked their child to move. My friend said 'did you ask them to move?'. No, I didn't. I think that people should have the common sense to do so. My parents would have swatted us upside the head if we had made an adult stand while we sat. I guess it all goes back to your raising......things are definitely different now. I was never allowed to call any of my elders by their first names, only Mr. and Mrs. I didn't realize that most of them had first names! LOL. Even when I grew up and had children of my own and saw some of the older people from my neighborhood, I still addressed them as Mr./Mrs.

Well, believe it or not, I am finally feeling tired. Hopefully I can get some decent sleep.

TTFN
Zanna

Been awhile

2005-12-29T01:24:00.000-08:00

Wow, the holidays wiped me out. CHRISTmas was wonderful. We had a great time with family and a superb CHRISTmas day. I have been sleeping so much trying to recoup.

Finally felt a little better last night and went out to dinner with hubby. We went somewhere we have never gone before-odd for us! Anyway, a few doors down was a craft place that had just opened. You rent space and set up your wares and they sell them for you. There is a street fair the first sunday of every month on that street too that draws people from all over. I am going to rent a small space from them and see how I do. I may expand. I want to sell cigar box purses, altered art, mixed media art, unusual stuff. She didn't have anything like I like to do so that is a good thing. I hate the business end of the running of a business. All I have to do is craft, take the goods in and they do the selling. Easy........If it goes well, I may expand to two other places like that that I know of.

I am very moody today. Christmas was very hard this year. Mom made pillows out of my dad's old shirts for all the kids and grandkids. It was very emotional to open those and find a datebook in the pocket where he always had it. This year was more difficult than last year. Last year, he had only been gone a few months. I was speaking to my sister about this and it's weird that we were more affected a year and a few months later than just a few months after. I think it is that it is sinking in and it is really final. I do miss him immensely. I still find myself picking up the phone to call him to tell him a good clean joke, or something funny that one of the kids said or did, or crying because I didn't feel good and missed my Daddy, or needed advice on anything carpentry related. He seemed to know so much and was so laid back and lovable. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I think I will work harder on getting to Heaven knowing that he is there and I will see him again someday.

Another girl from one of my art groups sent me a spoon. This time it is a glass pendant in the shape of a spoon that she made herself. It turned out so beautiful. She also sent me an inspirational quote that I love. I will share it.

I am silent and in tears

And no one takes me by the hand.

My God,

who knowest the unknown,

Be merciful.

In the midst of the stormy waters,

Come to my help,

Take me by the hand.

Isn't that lovely? No matter how alone and sad you feel, HE is there, taking us by the hand. All we have to do is believe it and accept Him into our hearts. Not much to ask for all He does.

I am going to bed. Hopefully.......

Ms. Scroogalottus

2005-12-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

I am just not getting the Christmas spirit......I spent a few hours in the mall yesterday. That is a real good way to bring you down. People are angry, in a hurry, forget their manners......what is it that brings out the worst in everyone??? Maybe because it is so commercial and the real reason of Christmas is so easily forgotten.

I am in a bad mood. Not feeling well. After spending hours at the mall yesterday, I felt like I had been hit by a truck and was in so much pain last night and this morning. I couldn't get going today. I have things that need to go back east. I still have to mail them. The mailman is supposed to come pick them up tomorrow but he has not proven to be all too reliable so we shall see.......I still have things to make. UGH. Next year, I start in August and we get the decoratations out on Thanksgiving weekend. Won't people be shocked when they get the Hall family Christmas card in August??? LOL.

I miss my dad especially when I don't feel good. I would call my Mom but it's the middle of the night where she is. She said I could call anytime but I really hate to wake her in the middle of the night. But, she, like me is an insomniac. I know she wouldn't mind but about the time I try, she will finally be sleeping well. She won't take anything either. Not me, give me all you can, I still won't sleep well.

I am having a lot of pain in my liver area and it worries me. Also on the other side. My dear friend, ran into a table with her electric wheel chair the other day and I was on the other side of the table and it got rammed into my lower left rib cage. It is still sore. She felt bad and I felt bad that she felt bad. She didn't mean any harm and I don't want her to feel bad. She is so nice. A good friend and mentor. She is like another mom to me. I adore her friendship. I have so much to be thankful for so why can I not be in a better mood???? I need a day without pain, water retention, a headache, itching.........that is a nice dream......

I one time dreamt that I was running in a marathon. Something I secretly had always wanted to do before I got sick. Now I run in my dreams. It feels good. I feel free. Free of the chains of myositis that hold me down. Free from the liver disease that makes me so sleepy. Free from the relentless itching that has caused me to scratch so bad, I break my own skin open. Freedom........only in my dreams.

Need to get some sleep.

Zanna H.